The Things I Won't Ever Say to You

To My Inspiration, Maven Zhang

(This is a letter I wrote last year, in eighth grade, with the names substituted. I never gave it to him. Well, I haven't yet.)

To my inspiration, [Maven Zhang]:
I don't know what you think of me. Whether if it's an ordinary girl, a strange and peculiar person, a creepy and weird person, an academic rival, just a classmate, an annoying, infuriating girl who never talks, or something else. But despite that, I hope you will actually read over this letter/note.
The first time I saw you was in gym class in seventh grade. I was assigned to sit behind you, I remember. At first I thought you were like every other student in the school. Normal. Typical. Average. Not particularly remarkable.
I think I started to take note of you when I heard some people talking about that skilled violinist. I didn't know your name back then, but I eventually learned. You piqued my interest even more when I heard you were in double GT math class, perhaps that tugged on my competitive personality.
I started to wonder if you were in any of my classes. I think you were in my reading class.
And then Mrs. Witman encouraged me to go to MathCounts. I don't remember if I was surprised you were there, too.
You were smarter than I first thought. Smarter by far. And I was competitive, even though I never openly challenged anyone or anything.
I started to realize I have so many things to learn, and that America wasn't as easy compared to Taiwan* as I thought. I was honestly surprised that I was chosen for the MathCounts competition last year. I mean, I didn't even know what the test was for until after Mrs. Witman announced who were going to represent [the school] to the competition.
I guess that made me expect more of myself.
But that first competition was far scarier than I imagined, harder and yet, it was exhilarating in the end, when I knew I had had an experience that most people wouldn't have had.
I admired your socialness (is that a word). I admired the way you were so easygoing, that talking to people, that discussions, were so easy for you. I admired that everyone knew you. But in addition to the admiration, I envied you. You were so much better and so much more outgoing.
It was a dissonant mixture of respect and contempt.
Somewhere along the way, you became an infatuation, perhaps an obsession. In a way, you could say I have a sort of crush on you.
It was funny, because I didn't know you at all.
You were a motivation, to work harder, try harder, be better, run faster, fly higher. You were an inspiration, to me, and for my poem*.
I listened to you talking to the other people that were going to the MathCounts competition last year about SATs, I think. Or some kind of other test. I didn't have any idea what SAT is, or what whatever you were talking about is, I only knew that it was impressive.
You seemed to know what everyone was talking about. You were so at ease around people.
We had more classes together this year, and I was glad for that. I got to observe you (not trying to be creepy), and I got to see what sort of books you read*, to better understand what kind of person you are.
To be honest, though, I am still very confuzzled.
You don't seem to enjoy homework, and you don't seem particularly responsible regarding homework. (Not that you're irresponsible.) Everything seemed so effortless for you.
Watching you play the violin, listening to you talk with other people, puzzling over your attitude... and yet everything is still a tangled web of confusion.
Seeing you excel at so many things that you do - sports, music, math... - often left a sort of sour, bitter tightness in my mind. I just couldn't help comparing myself to you, I suppose, despite how much of a better person you were.
Was it petty of me to have felt a bit of satisfaction when I confirmed that I was better than you at art? I still puzzle over that object you'd drawn behind/under the fork, in your submission for Arts in Action*. I couldn't really figure out what it was.
But that's probably one of the very few rare times I actually did better than you.
In a way, I am deeply thankful to you, for giving me a goal, and motivation, amd desire to learn more and do better and to excel. So maybe this is a thank you letter/note.
Or maybe I wrote this because you played a big role in my life, impacted the choices I made, gave me a direction. Maybe I wrote this because I felt it's important that you know how you changed me. Or maybe it's because I wonder what you think of me.
But I know that if I ever send this to you, or print it out and give it to you, it would be when I am in Taiwan, across the sea from any possible humiliation I might have to face...
I guess I wrote it because I don't know how to say it. Talking has never been my thing, either face-to-face or over the phone. You can't edit what you say once it's out, but I can edit this note as I type it. I can even choose to delete it and no one would ever know of its existence.
I think by the time you read this, I'll be far away in Taiwan, avoiding any awkwardness. We probably won't even see each other in high school anyway, what with the bigger school and more people and different clubs*. That makes me sad, so maybe I wrote this so you wouldn't forget me. Because I know I'll never forget you.
But anyway, thanks.

Sincerely,
[Minn]

*****
-Taiwan: country I am from
-Poem: I actually wrote a Chinese poem to him
-Books he read: I think there was Stephen Hawking (idk who that is), and The Testing (first book in a trilogy)
-Arts in Action: event promoting art at my middle school
-No classes together: actually as it turns out we have one class together, because we both made it into ninth grade AP Biology.