Oneshot Book - Sarah Paulson

To Keep Me Sane - Cordelia Goode

•Might cause certain triggers like anxiety, depression or ed•

With Delia, you never felt left alone. You had been struggling with emotionally being on your own your whole life, shutting everyone out when they get to close to your emotions. You were actually very empathetic, but when it comes to your own feelings, you suddenly built those very cold and high walls around yourself. Deep down, you are so vulnerable and sensitive, but hiding it with humor and and coldness made it easier. You felt like everyone you tried to open up to would just get annoyed by your problems and then you weren't even sure if they are actual problems or you are just being pathetic, like your mother always told you. To her, you did not actually struggle. You had no problems as such. You were just egoistic and emotionally consuming, she has always been physically there but never emotionally. You once tried to open up to her with all your hopes up, but the moment she started laughing while you cried your heart out you started realizing that you truly should not open up.

But then, there was Cordelia.

The moment you stepped into the large hall of the academy, she was drawn to you. She felt the need to fix something and she did not even know you. She felt connected in some way the moment she looked into your eyes.
It was something about your gaze- like a child almost, lost in a big shop with no orientation.
She saw right through you, she saw the pain your soul held. She could sympathize because she sadly knew exactly the way you feel.

And turns out, she truly did:
Both of you grew up with emotionally unavailable mothers, both of you needed someone to be able to read out to, both of you were very soft and sentimental women that tend to care about others more than themselves.
But maybe that was why your soon enough developed relationship worked out so well:
When you did not feel like caring about your selves, you gave each other everything you had left. Every little bit of emotion, every little bit of love and support -
It was all you could share and most of the days, that was enough.

Whenever you felt anxious in large and very crowded places, Cordelia would grip your hand a little tighter. You appreciated such act of kindness, her showing you exactly how real her support is and that she is there for you to calm down. You would stop shaking or fidgeting and sent her a dorky smile.

When your somewhat developed eating disorder got worse again and there was a week where you tried to throw up any given time, where you would refuse to eat around others, refuse to eat at all, where you would just cry looking at the soup in the pot, Delia tried to ease it. She knew you would get out of that drowning period of time, she knew she could get you out of it.
You did not, you never knew if you could make it, but having her confidence and support helped a lot.
When you felt like emptying the nonexistent content of your stomach, she would just hug you tightly and let you cry onto her shoulder.
When you refused to eat with her, she would try to feed you at least a few spoons.
When someone made a comment unaware of the triggering effect it had on you, she would directly shoot you a worried but loving smile and later on spoon the whole night, whispering sweet nothings into your ear.

A few times after bottling up all of your emotions again, your head would go almost painfully empty. You felt to much sadness, but at the same time you would feel nothing at all, just a blank space.
Time would fly by and you would lay in your bed all day, deciding weither you should even carry on anymore or just let go of everything.
Your girlfriend knew exactly that something was up anytime you would close off for days.
Anytime you crawl into your own little world or stay in and read the whole day, she just knew how you felt.
Those times were the hardest for the both of you.
She tried her best and no matter how little you felt, you could always feel appreciative of her effort to keep you alive.

And all the things she did for you, you did for her too.
When she got caught up in work again and starts to overwork herself, you would make sure that she is eating enough and catch up on her every few minutes.
When she felt worthless and had such little energy, you would remind her that she will never be like her mother and that she is worth it. And you would always find a way to show her, to prove her that she indeed is worth it.

Those are not the only scenarios, oh no, you two would face any problem or phase together.
You always helped her as much as she helped you, she acted out her love for you, vice versa.

Cordelia Goode will forever be your comfort,
she keeps you sane.

___________

Hello besties, I felt the need to write this chapter, it is more like and imagine thingy than an actual one shot, sorry for that. I hope it still sounded appealing and you guys enjoyed it, I put my heart and mind into it because it certainly is an actual vent regarding my personal life.
Have a good time, I love every single one of you guys, you are the ones keeping me sane.
Never forget you are worth it :) <3