Not What You Wanted • Ben Solo | Kylo Ren

My Light, My Love

At first she told herself she was fine. That she'd move on in time and find love elsewhere. For the first couple hours of the drive away from Chicago her face was dry. Her eyes focused solely on the road while her mind drove wild. In the end it was a sign that broke her.

A fucking sign.

When the billboard that read Thanks for visiting Illinois! came into view and Rey eventually drove under it, everything sank in. She was really leaving him behind and starting new.

She hadn't even taken all of her things with her, she just had a few days worth of stuff right now. Her plan was to stay in a hotel until she found an apartment that was cheap but cozy and comfortable.

The further she got, the more the guilt settled in as well. Sure, Ben's words were cruel and the way he acted disappointed, but could she really blame him? She should've known springing that on him, or anyone for that matter, wouldn't end in hugs and kisses and sunshine and rainbows. It wasn't fair to him and she knew that even more now. Even so, perhaps this time apart would do some good for both of them. It'd give him time to think about what he really wanted, and same with her.

___

Fuck time apart.

Rey was two weeks into her life in New York and it was next to miserable. There were some good things though-- she loved her job so far and met another female model named Rose who she befriended quickly. As it turned out, not every model was a bully.

She still had Poe too. The three of them hung out a lot which took Rey's mind off Ben sometimes, but he mostly still dominated her thoughts. She hadn't done a show yet, but she'd tried on luscious outfits that she surprisingly felt confident in and practiced. When Rey was a kid she truly believed that people were meant to grow up and hate their jobs. But she truly loved hers and she was proud of herself for following her dreams.

She only wished she would've given Ben more time.

A part of her wanted to reach out to him. To talk things over and apologize for being so sudden with the move and everything. And also because her heart bled more every second she was away from him. She wondered if he was feeling the same way, or if his words were true and he wanted her to go.

Poe had helped her find an affordable apartment pretty quick and Rey had dedicated her free time into morphing the place into a cute decorative living space. She made more money now than her job as a makeup artist so she hoped to move somewhere nicer after she saved up more. For now though, almost everything was perfect. 

It just seemed there was one thing missing. Or rather, someone missing.

She talked through everything with Poe who agreed that Ben could've handled the situation better but Rey also could've given him more time in advance to think on it. He advised her to give him some space for a little while and that perhaps he'd call when he was ready. And although Rey thought the space was for the best, it took everything she had not to press the call button on his contact profile in her phone.

She missed his strong fruity smell and the way he'd hold her so tight against his chest, kissing her shoulder every couple of minutes. He never left her mind. Not as she ate breakfast, laughed with her friends, ran through rehearsals in stunning fabrics, or especially at night. Those late hours were the worst. There were bad nights. Nights when she'd lie awake all night yearning for his touch or the feeling of his arms wrapped around her tightly. Sometimes she'd cry and scream into her pillow. Others she'd stare at the ceiling in silence trying to understand how everything went so wrong and why. 

The world had less color and she knew she was mostly to blame for it. But she couldn't go back now. Things could grow worse and then everything would hurt more. And Rey didn't know how much more hurt she could take.