Not What You Wanted • Ben Solo | Kylo Ren

cardigan

"LIGHTS!"

The runway went from its dull grey reseting color to a searing angelic white. The space around it remained in the dark where the audience would once be.

"MUSIC!"

The instrumental version of some random 2010s pop song appeared in the background. Her cue would be any second now.

"Annndddd..... WALK!" The instructor shouted. 

Rose was the first to show in the line of models backstage. Rey was third. They'd been practicing this showcase for weeks now for the preparation of launching RESISTANCE's new line. It was still the job Rey always dreamed of having, but her life in New York still wasn't complete.

Not yet. And perhaps it never would be. She'd learn eventually how to live without her muse. Probably. 

The second model was at the foot of the runway signaling Rey's intro. Facing the bright spotlights, she walked down the aisle dramatically putting one leg in front of the other like she was supposed to. That wasn't the hard part though. The hard part was the fake smile she had to plaster on her face every single day. She wasn't even sure it could pass as a smile anymore and she prayed no one could distinctly pick it out. 

Walking back was the easy part. Everyone was focused on the next model walking out and she could ease her facial expression by a lot. By the time she was off stage and out of everyone's view, she allowed herself to be pulled back into the numbness she'd been residing in since she moved. Her face looked lifeless when no one was around to see her. 

Symptoms of depression weren't strangers to Rey, especially with her troubled childhood, but this was the darkest hole she'd ever been in. Ever since she discovered Ben's photography website a couple of weeks ago things had grown progressively worse. Everything felt like a chore, like nothing was worth doing. 

She wondered if Ben felt the same or if he had moved on already. If someone new was in his big king sized bed with the high thread count. If he held her as tight as he did her. If he was in his kitchen cooking for her or if he took her to Navy Pier. If he took photos of her. If he loved her. 

After doing the final walk, Rey booked it to her dressing room to try and get home as quick as she could. She shut the door a little harder than she intended and leaned her back against it, her breath coming quick. Her goal was to hold back the tears until she got home so her coworkers would think she was at least sane and not crying every waking second of the day, even though that was indeed what happened most of the time. 

She changed into leggings and a t-shirt quickly before throwing on an old cardigan she'd owned for years. As late fall neared, almost every day was chiller than the day before and the wind had started picking up more as well. Ben begged her to let him buy her a newer, nicer one, but it had been with her for so long that it felt like a crime to get rid of it. She wore it all the time at Ben's apartment when he had the AC turned on high. Sometimes if she tried hard enough, when she smelled it there was the faintest linger of his scent left behind on it. 

As Rey was packing up her things and praying that she'd be able to fall asleep quickly, there was a sharp knock on her door. Throwing her head back, she sighed heavily. 

"Come in," she managed to get out. 

She turned to see Leia shutting the door behind her with a worried crease on her forehead. Leia studied her a moment then stepped deeper into the room. "How are you doing, Rey?"

The fake smile took its place. "I'm doing well, uh- New York's awesome so far and I love the work I'm doing here so..." she drifted off. Leia didn't look convinced by her words.