Timeless (Enoch O Connor x OC)

15: Healing

Have you ever felt so numb that it felt like you were floating? Like nothing and no words could affect you?

Because that was exactly how I felt right now.

The house was very silent. Meals were short with few words spoken. Bronwyn hadn't left her room. 

Everyone was in despair, grasping at anything that might bring them comfort. 

And me. The one person that could bring me comfort didn't want to be anywhere near me. 

We all grieve differently. Me, I was quiet, my face blank but my emotions in turmoil. 

I felt so guilty that it hurt. If I had told Miss Peregrine what Victor had told me about wanting to leave then maybe he would still be here. The guilt didn't let me cry, I didn't deserve to. It was my fault. Those tears belonged to the other children. Not me.

When the guilt would fade, I would get angry. At myself, at the others, at the world. Mad that Victor had been taken away from us. Mad that I would never see his bright smile and beautiful green eyes. But when I got mad it would quickly turn into sadness.

Sadness. Sorrow that he was gone. So much sorrow that there was nothing I could do. The sadness would usually almost make me cry but before I could I would feel guilty again. I wasn't allowed to cry for something I had caused.

It was a torturous cycle. One that I didn't see was coming to an end anytime soon.

That was how I grieved and Enoch, the one person who could possibly make me feel better right now, grieved by locking himself away. Not leaving his room except for meals. Hardly talking except for grunts. And avoiding any type of eye contact I tried to make with him. 

It was hopeless. Utterly hopeless. We were all going to die in this misery.

At least, I thought, if mine and Horace's dream about me falling out of a clocktower was true then perhaps I would join Victor. 

And Lotte. 

That was another thing. The loss of Victor brought out a new wave of pain over Lotte's death. A vicious cycle of guilt, anger, and sadness about them both. 

I hadn't touched the Alice doll since two weeks ago when I brought it over to Enoch's room. It was in the back of my closet. Out of sight, out of mind. But it was hardly out of my mind because every time I thought about the doll, I thought about Enoch. I wondered how he was doing, he had known Victor much longer than me. He must be going through double of what I was going through. I wish I could comfort him, I thought. 

And the other children, they were all in ruins, drifting from room to room with black faces of horror. Bronwyn didn't leave her room. The loss of her brother had affected her the most, of course. Sometimes I would hear her cries while I was in the hallway. My heart hurt for her. 

Miss Peregrine was only wearing black now, all the dark greens and reds and navies gone from her closet. I think she felt responsible, she was supposed to take care of her wards but losing one wracked her with guilt. It wasn't her fault though, it was mine. I wouldn't tell anyone about how I felt responsible, I was hardly a victim in this scenario and the last thing I wanted was pity. 

The hollow that had been responsible for Victor's death had been killed a few hours after he was. Miss Peregrine had brought out her crossbow and hunted it down, taking out all her anger on it. I hated that hollow, I HATED all hollows. They were the spawn of satan. I bet that satan would be offended being compared to those beasts, I thought. 

Victor's body had been put in his bedroom. He lay on the bed as though he were sleeping. But the only kind of sleep it could be was an eternal slumber.