My Guilt and His Pleasure

Uncontrollable

I wasn't not sure whether my cheeks were wet from tears or sweat. I guess both.

"How could she die?" I whispered to myself. "Aisha tell me you're lying. This is not possible."

"Zara, this is true. I don't know the details. Your father called and only said this." And she was crying too. I had never imagined her leaving me like this. She was my safe place. How could she leave me in this cruel world alone?

"Zara.. Are you listening?" Aisha said from the other side. I couldn't reply.

"Zara, your father has sent your driver, he will be on my gate in some time. Where are you?" Her second news brought me to senses as quickly as the first one put me in void. "Wha.. what? How am I gonna get there? Aisha I am atleast an hour's drive away from your place. Godd" I groaned and tears kept escaping my eyes. Some of worry, some of sorrow.

"What would I do? Zara what do I tell my parents about your driver? I have told yku a thousand times to stop this sneaking out bullshit but you never listen to me. Now we are fucked up! Enjoy." She shouted at me. Her words made me cry even more. Guilt filled my every nerve. I should have been with Hareem Aunt. How could I have been dancing while she was dying?

I had totally forgotten Haider was with me through all this, untill be wiped my tears. I had no idea what I was going to do. Aisha dropped the call making me feel even more alone. I cried and the air was filled with my continous wails. First time in my life, I had felt this lost. Far from home, with a stranger while my Aunt was dead. Not. In. This. World. Anymore.

"Noooo.... This.. Is... Not.. Truee..." I kept shouting, as if the louder I cry it would lessen the pain. But it didn't help. Haider moved to front of me. He wiped my tears and hugged me.

While i was sitting against the forewall, he put his legs on my either sides and his arms around my neck, hands stroking my hair. I needed this. In that pain, I wasn't able to think about he was a stranger or not. Or my duties. Or where i should have been.

All i wanted was this moment to last, where my pain, my guilt and my tensions felt bittersweet. I tightened my arms around his waist and pulled him into myself. The more he came closer, i felt myself relieved for a moment. He then stared straight into my eyes, and wiped my tears.

"Everything is okay." He whispered. Our faces were so close that i could smell his breath. The last cigarette we smoked together still alive in his breath. The air was slighlty illuminated by twilight. And it enhanced the charm of his features. I had forgotten about everything in the world, as I caressed his lips with my thumb.

He moved his hands to my neck, giving me shivers. A pit in my stomach tried to remind me that my Aunt was dead. But I was too intoxicated under his charm to think sober. I trailed my hands into his silky dark hair. And the next moment, I was kissing him.

His lips in mine, our tongues caressing eachother and hands pulling us closer. I could taste the Coca-Cola, the cigarette and the twilight in his mouth. He moved his hands down to my bare waist. And i arched back from the sweet guilty sensation. I pulled his hair gently and he moaned in his mouth. His hand trailing up, my guilt rising, my pleasure going beyond measures.

I parted our lips, pulled his hair so that he stretched his neck. And there, I couldn't resist. I kissed his neck, caressed it with my tongue and sucked it gently. While his hand on my waist, found its way up to my breasts. His fingers gently tapping on my cotton bra...

My phone rang.

I was brought back to my senses in a moment. What was I even doing? How could I? I hated myself. I had never loosen my control for a boy and now, here I was kissing the boy i just met. That too, when my Aunt was dead.
Aunt. Was. Dead.

"No. I need to go home." I somehow spelled. And picked the call.

"Zara, what the fuck is wrong with you? Your driver is at my door."

"Wha..what?"

"I just told my parents that you send him here to pick me. But what am I gonna tell that bastard? Are you even serious? Where are you?"

I didn't have any answer. And I started crying. No, i couldn't. I wiped my tears got up and set my shirt.

"Aisha, I am asking the driver to go back because I will come with you. I will handle that. Can you please come with your driver? I will join you at the bus stop near college. I will just be there. Please Aisha, do something."

"Fine. I will just tell Mom he had an emergency. But please don't late a second, I will leave home in 15 minutes."

"Aisha.. Thanks. Also, can you please bring a Kurta of yours? I have left mine at hotel."

"Ugh. Fuck off Zara and be there on time."

I wiped my tears. And looked at Haider. Who was sitting there, looking at me deeply consumed in his thoughts.

"Haider, can you drop me please?"