My Guilt and His Pleasure

We Break Rules

"Stop overreacting Zara! I didn't mean anything like that." He explained as I got off him and sat back in my seat, tying my shoes.

"Ofcourse you didn't. But I know I am a slut for you, right?" I asked looking staright at him. No, I wasn't. I wanted him to shut me up. But he didn't, he just rolled his eyes and looked out of the window.

"I would never have wasted my time with any slut. How can you use a world like that for yourself? I am here for a reason. I talk to you all night straight for weeks, I take you to my secret spots and here you are comparing yourself to words like that?" He was shocked and clueless. Like truth escaped his mouth without his permission and now he didn't know how to cover.

"Its okay. Don't explain." I said gravely and rested my head on the seat, like I was tired without doing anything. I thought he respected me.. but why? Why would he respect a girl he met in a club? That too, sneaking out of her house? And kissed him on very first meeting?

He doesn't owe you any respect Zara. He is not your boyfriend or fiance or anything NAMELY. Who is he? Why am I even here in his car? UGHHH.

"Zara.. you know when I asked Hashir for your number he told me I should not invest my energy on you. Zara.. i don't know.. I don't think this way.. Only he said me that the girl who isn't loyal to herself would not be loyal to me.. and that's true." He interrupted my thoughts with stabbing the most cruel truth right in my chest. I looked at him and he was devouring me with his gaze. Looking for answer. He looked like he was trying to read my mind.

I felt a tear trail down my cheek. No. Why was I so affected? What. The. Hell. I wiped my tear and got out of his car. I had no idea where to go so I ran towards the park, with him calling my name repeatedly behind me. In a minute or two, he was just behind me. He held my hand and turned me to himself.

"You can't runaway like this.. i want an answer. You are not running from me, but from yourself. Please.." He came closer and held both my hands. I wanted to answer, but I didn't have any. I didn't know.

"I don't know.. " I said looking at him, with tears flushing my face. I really didn't know. I was stuck between my fake identities. Between the hustle of trying to be one or another, I lost my true self. I was no one. Nothing. Void.

He came even more close and wiped my tears. He lifted my chin with his hand, staring right into my eyes and the next moment our faces crushed into eachother and our lips fitted like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. My tongue caressed his like my answer was somewhere in his mouth and my hands looking for it in his hair... and then we heard a continous whistle coming closer. POLICE.

KISSING IS PROHIBITED IN PUBLIC PLACES.

We were back to senses in a moment, we parted our mouths, he held my hand and we ran as fast as we could. And policeman running behind us, ofcourse. Ugh. We had an advantage of his age and he lost the race.

We jumped in the car and he started driving. I took a deep breath and when i recalled just what happened, we both laughed like maniacs. We were safe.

"I mean, are you crazy? Kissing? Right in the middle of a family park?" I asked him laughing.

"Crazy in love." He said shrugging his shoulders. I paused for a moment, it felt like he meant it. But then someone from back of my mind reminded me, 'girls like you'. And my laughter faded away..

"So.. let's go to the restaurant pleasee! I want to pay for the kissing blunder, you know." He requested me with a unusual innocence in his eyes. I made multiple excuses but he convinced me. After some time and a multiple jokes he made to cheer me up, we were at the restaurant.

The cosy atmosphere filled with dim fairylights and a vintage themed furniture made this place sing a unique romantic melody. He was in front of me and held my hand from across the table..

"Zara.. I am sorry for earlier. I felt helpless. I want to be with you. For now, for later and forever.. maybe. But I feel like you will just abandon me someday and .." he looked like he knew no further vocabulary.

"You were right. I just.. I am lost. I am not this who you see. I am not the girl who dances at midnight in clubs. But I am not that girl too who is covered in hijabs.. i dont know who I am?" I answered myself more than I answered him. But he eyes told me that its okay. He won't judge me.

I excused him and went to the washroom. It was 2pm. already and I totally forgot I had to meet Irtiza. I didn't want to. I must text him to postpone the meeting to some other day.

When i came back from the washroom, i didn't find Haider on the table. I looked around and he was on the corner talking to a man. I could only see his face and the man's back. Haider looked very serious and calm talking to him. I sat back on the table, waiting for him to come back. As I looked back .. I saw the man..

Irtiza.