I walk past the mirror without looking at myself. My reflection disgusts me and I refuse to meet it. I tie up my hair and put on my skirt. The fabric against my legs is not unpleasant. The problem isn't the skirt, no, but the image it gives.
My eyes close on their own as I'm on the bus, somehow waiting for my stop. My head bangs against the glass several times, quite hard, and some people turn around. I recognize some of them who go to the same high school as me. Then my eyes meet a boy my age, in the same uniform as me. I've never seen him before, but his gaze bothers me. He scrutinizes me. I glare at him and he turns his head. I feel a strange pain in my stomach and I already feel uncomfortable in this outfit which doesn't look like me. Behind this mask that I am forced to wear.
The bus suddenly stops and a man comes to sit next to me as I try to smooth my skirt. The bus starts up again and he looks at me. He continues to stare at me with his dirty gaze and when I turn to him to ask him to stop I see his broad smile and his hand moving back and forth in his pants and a retching takes me. I barely keep from throwing up, but that doesn't stop the older man from continuing to touch himself, looking at my thin, bare legs.
My gaze goes to the window, I dare not saying anything. I am scared. I am terrified. So I say nothing.
- Haneul!
I quickly turn to the person who called me and when I meet Jisung's eyes, I feel like I finally have a chance to get out.
He walks towards me, in the bus, and when he arrives at me, he sees him. He sees it and I see his wide smile disappear.
- What are you doing ?
The other just smiles at him, pulling his hand away.
- I'm not sure: are you jerking off right next to my friend?
The man gets up and leaves at the back of the bus without a word. Jisung takes a seat next to me.
- Thank you, Ji...
He smiles at me.
Jisung is the closest friend I have. We often hang out together in school. He is kind, adorable. But he doesn't know.
I never told him, how could he react? My only friend... I can't lose him. So yes, he misgenders me. But it's my fault. It's all my fault, like everything that goes wrong in my life.
- I don't understand why you didn't say anything to him?
I smile sadly at him, shrugging.
He can't understand. He doesn't know how hard it is to be a woman, to be a target. To be a prey. If I say something, I get mugged. If I don't say anything, I get mugged.
- I'm too scared to defend myself, you know that...
He sighs and the rest of the road is done in silence.
The day of class follows its boring daily life and I try to forget the looks on me. I try to pretend everything is fine.
I went out for some fresh air during the lunch break, leaving Jisung eating with his friends.
So I stay on my phone, there, sitting on this bench as the sun beats hard against my pale skin that I would like more tanned. I inquire about the different group conversations I have, looking for a way to clear my head.
Then I see this ad. "LGBTQ+ party in the northern district, tomorrow at 7 p.m."
A party with people who accept me, who understand me.
I indicate that I will be there then put my phone on standby. I've never been to parties, so I'm stressed out. But I need this to decompress.
I'm looking for my ripped black jeans to go with my sleeveless shirt of the same color fiercely. When I finally pull it out of my pile of clothes, it's like I've found the Grail. I look at the outfit I put on my bed before validating it.
It's Saturday night and I still haven't put on my clothes. I hurry then to raise my white top to slip my beige binder instead. I look at myself in the mirror and smile, proud of the result. With the T-shirt, my shapes have completely disappeared and the jeans also hide my hips.
I tie my hair to the top of my head, leaving a few previously wavy locks sticking out and put on a beanie.
This is the first time that my reflection suits me, the first time that I feel myself. The first time I've seen myself smile in years. I stand in front of my mirror for a moment, contemplating every part of me, before picking up my phone and heading to my window. Without hesitating, I jump, twisting my ankle slightly as I get to the ground. But I don't pay more attention to this detail than that.
I sneak into the garden and go out. The cool night air welcomes me gently and the usual noises of cars are no longer part of the landscape. I set off, devouring these new sensations.
Once I arrive in the party's street, I immediately notice a big house that stands out. Music is heard from where I am and lights and screams are also there.
I am impatient but also start to shake nervously. The closer I get to the house the faster my heart beats and I'm afraid I won't be able to do it so I stop, catching my breath. My fists on my thighs, I try to relax but tears start to bead at the corners of my eyes.
- You're okay ?
A voice is heard not far from me.
- Hey, dude? It's okay?
I look up and meet a gaze that seems familiar to me, but I can't identify.
I try to keep my voice as deep as possible, although my natural timbre already is.
- Yeah, sorry it's just...
- Is this your first party? Don't worry, I promise you'll be okay... I'm a little nervous, too. This is my third time going to a party like this. I'm pretty shy, too.
- Yet you did not hesitate to come and talk to me.
- I guess I needed an evening companion!
He laughs and I can't help but smile. His laugh is sweet, adorable. He is sincere and I am jealous of him.
- In that case, I can serve as an escort!
He walks over and holds out his hand to me. I hesitate but with a gesture, he urges me to take it, what I do.
- I'm lucky to have one with so much style!
He chuckles and I blush.
- I... Thank you...
- Don't be shy! Come on, you'll see! It's gonna be fun! My name is Minho, by the way! Lee Minho, how about you?
I watch him carefully. He has a beautiful name. Common. His angelic face isn't, though, common.
- Changbin.
I answer, assured.
- Seo Changbin.
- Seo? It's not very common... Anyway, I don't know anyone with that name! It suits you good, it is different from the others... Like your face.
I look down, embarrassed as he guides me.
- How am I supposed to take it?
He tightens his grip on my hand slightly.
- Great, I think. Actually, I think you're very beautiful.
He gives me a soft smile as I lift my head.
- OK, let's go ?
YOU ARE READING
Not A Girl- Minbin
Fanfiction"Changbin is a boy. That's what he keeps telling his parents who don't accept him. However, when he meets Minho at a party, he finally sees the possibility of appearing under his real self. " I translated my own story (from @SunSungie) into English...
