Minho doesn't leave me the whole evening. He explained to me he wanted to protect me because sometimes a first party can go wrong. I still have this feeling of being weak and it bothers me, but I'm no longer Haneul, he protects Changbin. I'm glad.
I wonder if he understood, but he doesn't look like it. No one seems to really care, actually. They immediately gender me in the masculine.
There is alcohol, but I don't drink. Minho drank a bit, but he seems to be holding on well. He explained to me that he only drinks for the taste and not to be drunk. I like that way of seeing alcohol.
We talk a bit about everything and nothing. Mostly nothing, actually. He explains to me that he found the group by chance on Twitter, I tell him the same thing. But a question is itching to me.
- Which high school are you at?
He raises his eyebrows, surprised at my sudden question, but he smiles.
- To the one in the center, and you?
I freeze. What am I supposed to answer? I don't know how to lie, anyway.
- Me too.
- Ah yes ? Yet I have never seen you! We should see each other, to spend time together! Unless I'm too tiring... or enterprising! Tell me, above all!
I shake my head, giggling.
- Your laugh is adorable...
I clench my fist before I turn around, looking at the living room where everyone is dancing.
- Do you want to dance?
He nods and we both go mingle with the sweaty bodies. He grabs my hand, pretending he doesn't want to lose me, and I let him. Our bodies move in rythm with the music. I feel good, at ease.
- If it's not indiscreet...
He starts, speaking loudly into my ear. I feel his breath tickle my hairline and I shiver.
- What are you doing at an LGBT party?
I smile before answering.
- I'm bi, and you?
I didn't necessarily tell the whole truth. But after all, I'm a guy. I don't necessarily want to be identified as a transgender guy.
- I'm gay !
He sticks his tongue out at me and I laugh.
We keep dancing over and over again, I can't feel my legs anymore but I love it. I love to feel my body go, my mind wander. I love to feel Minho's hand in mine, it reassures me. I feel understood. The bass of the music vibrates through my whole body, I'm afraid of falling with every movement but I have a bright smile, I'm fine. I am happy here. Happy to be Seo Changbin, happy to be with people like me.
When we finally stop dancing, unable to take any more, I notice that he is staring at me.
- What's the matter ? Do I have something on my face?
He blushes, then puts his hand on my cheek. A shiver runs through my spine at this contact that I do not, however, refuse.
He walks up to me, until his lips meet mine. I am surprised at first, then accept the kiss. This is my first, but I don't care. Minho helped me overcome this evening and thanks to him, I feel better, at ease. So I let his lips gently meet mine.
Until I realize.
I pull back abruptly. Minho is visibly surprised but I can't say anything and I storm out of the house.
I run down the street, hoping he doesn't follow me. My ankle hurts excruciatingly but I have to run away.
He's gay... he's gay and he kissed a girl.
But the worst part... is that I fell in love with him. I am in love with a boy who cannot concretely love me, in one evening.
Tears are streaming down my face.
I go home without too much problem, my parents are sleeping. Once in my room, I stretch out on my bed and continue to cry.
Then I pull myself together.
No, Changbin... You're not in love with him. It's just your first kiss, you were in the euphoria of the evening.
But he kissed a girl. I'm a fucking girl.
My night is atrocious, and my Sunday is no less. It is even worse. I'm afraid to be tomorrow. I'm afraid to meet him, that he will recognize me. I'm afraid he resents me... What if he told everyone what I had done? What if he told everyone who I am?
No, he's not like that. I believe. I don't even know him.
I spend my day throwing up, in the bathroom. I have the feeling that my whole stomach is going through it, that I'm going to lie on the dirty bathroom floor and never wake up.
But I wake up.
I wake up the next day, and I have to go to school.
YOU ARE READING
Not A Girl- Minbin
Fanfiction"Changbin is a boy. That's what he keeps telling his parents who don't accept him. However, when he meets Minho at a party, he finally sees the possibility of appearing under his real self. " I translated my own story (from @SunSungie) into English...
