I put on too much makeup to hide my sick face. The brush strokes my skin and makes me gag again. I think back to his hand on my face... then his lips on mine. I would like to taste them again, but I can't. I am not allowed to think about this.
I give myself a slap before finishing my makeup, too much blush on my cheeks to hide my livid face.
I get on the bus, my skirt attracting disturbing glances. I don't care, I only have one thing in mind: to avoid Minho. For that, I have to find him. If I know where he is, I can avoid him.
I sit on a seat in the middle of the bus. Some men standing in the front are looking at me, and their eyes are looking for the other girls. I sigh until I find myself eye to eye with him. Minho. So it was him? He was the boy on the bus who looked at me too much on Friday morning. I avoid his gaze, but I feel he is still staring at me.
I don't know if he recognized me but tears come to my eyes. Guilt. I'm just a liar, I don't deserve love. I don't deserve anything. My fists clench on my skirt and tears accumulate on my thighs. I try to hide my face with my hair the best I can, but the bus stops abruptly and Jisung hastens to come next to me.
- Haneul!
He calls.
- What's the problem?
His worried voice reassures me and when he lays a hand on my shoulders, I sigh in relief.
- Do you want us to have lunch together?
I nod and he hands me a tissue to wipe my tears.
Minho's gaze is no longer on me, but nothing is won yet.
My morning class is done by shaving the walls at each change of room and when meeting Jisung at the cafeteria, I catch the slightest glance on me.
In the queue, Jisung joins me with a big smile.
- I'd rather see you without tears! I'm glad to see that things are going a little better, but I would like you to tell me what is going on... I mean, if you agree.
I shake my head.
- For now, it's too vague for me. Sorry, Jisung. Maybe I'll tell you someday.
He makes a sad pout that tears my heart apart but nods. My stomach hurts, I realize that I am even lying to my closest friend. I'm just a liar.
We are seated at a table in the middle of the cafeteria, discussing everything and nothing over lunch when someone arrives at our table, asking for a seat. I lower my head, hoping that Jisung refuses but he accepts and therefore I find myself obliged to face the person who has just settled down.
- Hey, Ji'! I didn't know you had a girlfriend!
He's laughing.
He laughs then looks at me in the eye and his gaze doesn't leave mine. I'm scared, I want to throw up. Tears rise to my eyes and my body is shaking. No matter how hard I try to calm down, I can't.
- Minho! She's just my best friend! Seo Haneul!
Jisung says, not really noticing the strange atmosphere.
- Seo?
Minho asks.
I noisily swallow my saliva then get up and take my bag. I hurry to get out of there and go to the nearest restroom. I lock myself in a cabin and sobs take hold of my body. I can't do it. I can not anymore. Why is Jisung friend with Minho? Jisung is friend with everyone, actually. I'm shaking hard and have to bite my hand to calm myself down.
My breathing is choppy and so strong that I feel like I can be heard on the other side of the world. My heartbeat is ringing in my ears and a horrible headache takes hold of my head.
- Changbin, please.
Minho's voice forces me to cut my breath.
- Get out, Changbin. We need to talk.
I wipe away my tears, hiding my bitten hand under my sleeve. I stand up with difficulty, staggering, then open the door. I come face to face with Minho. I immediately look away.
- Sorry for lying to you...
I manage to articulate.
He sighs and I feel his arms wrap around my frail body.
- What are you talking about? When did you lie to me?
Tears stream down my cheeks again, soaking his T-shirt in the process.
- I... I introduced myself as Changbin and... and you kissed me... thinking I was a man when... you are gay and suddenly...
I catch my breath almost between each word.
- You kissed a girl and... I lied to you... and the worst...
I force myself to stop, not wanting to admit the rest.
But he pulls back, putting his hands on my shoulders and trying to catch my gaze.
- What's this? The worst?
His voice is soft and reassuring.
I look up and lose myself in his dark pupils.
- The worst part is I like you, Minho...
He looks surprised, but smiles. He puts his hand on my cheek, the same way he did on Saturday, and I wince.
- Me too, I like you, Changbin.
YOU ARE READING
Not A Girl- Minbin
Fanfiction"Changbin is a boy. That's what he keeps telling his parents who don't accept him. However, when he meets Minho at a party, he finally sees the possibility of appearing under his real self. " I translated my own story (from @SunSungie) into English...
