Not A Girl- Minbin

Chapter 5

I look at him, puzzled.
- But... you're gay and...

He puts a finger on my lips, forcing me to shut up.
- I like Changbin. But I want you to be sincere with me: who are you? Why do you call yourself Changbin at night and Haneul during the day?
He has a soft, comforting voice and I can't help but smile slightly.
- You want us to go out? I offer you a sandwich in the local pastry shop! We can sit on a bench and talk! I don't like being hungry...
He grimaces, resting a hand on his stomach and I chuckle.

He shows me to follow him, and I do so, somewhat trotting after him.

- What did you say to Jisung?
I suddenly become worried.

- Nothing, I didn't know what I had the right to say so I just told him that I will explain it to him later.
He looks at me with a weak smile, rushing unintentionally into a student and immediately apologizing as we exit the school. I laugh at his clumsiness and he pouts.
- Don't laugh! I'm shy, and when I'm shy I'm clumsy...

- For someone shy, you invited me to spend the evening with you, last Saturday, and you followed me to the bathroom when you recognized me!

He slows down a bit to get to me and leans, as if he wanted to whisper a secret to me without breaking up my personal space.
- I imagine you have something to do with it!
He smirks and pulls back.

- What do you mean ?

We enter the pastry shop as he chuckles, obviously not wishing to answer me. The saleswoman greets us with a "hello gentlemen, lady" which makes me uncomfortable and I instinctively hide behind Minho. He is visibly surprised but doesn't ask, buying our meal.

We sit on a bench in the park next to the school while there is a soft sun somewhat covered by very white clouds, no risk of rain, therefore. There is still a little wind that makes me shiver but I take care of closing my jacket before Minho hands me my sandwich.

- Thank you.

We look in front of us, there are a few ducks wandering around, probably coming from the stream that goes around our establishment.

- Let's start at the beginning. What's your name ? I mean... How should I call you?
He is careful with his words, he doesn't want to hurt me.

- Seo Changbin. I'm a boy... well...
I bite my lip, not knowing how to explain.

- Okay, so Changbin... Why is Jisung calling you another way?
He bites deeply into his meal and I realize that fear is cutting my appetite.

- Haneul... It's the first name my parents chose for me. I am female.
I hesitate, I stutter. I do not know how to explain it. I have this sensation, this feeling and I try to put it into words.

- But are you a boy? I find it hard to understand, explain to me, please. I really want to try to understand.
He has an adorable smile on his face, still chewing his bite.

- My gender is masculine. Which means, I don't feel like me when someone talks to me in a feminine way, or in a skirt.

He nods slowly then thinks about it and I take this opportunity to taste my sandwich.

- But then... isn't it a bit like putting in boxes to tell yourself that girls wear skirts and boys like blue? So if you don't feel girl then you don't like skirts?

I smile. He is clearly interested and curious, and his question is relevant. It feels good to discuss this with someone open.

- Yes, it's true. But I imagine that it is above all a matter of image in the society. I don't want to convey the image of the girl, because I'm not one. If I dress like society sees men, then they see me as a man, like who I really am.

He tilts his head to the side and I feel a funny tingling in my stomach at the adorable sight.

- So it's not the fact of wearing skirts that bothers you but the sight of others on this skirt?
I nod, glad he understood where I was going.
- And you ? How do you feel in this skirt?
He points at my uniform.

- Mh... bad. First of all because I am shamelessly fiddling with perverts and also because I have the feeling of not having a choice.

He grits his teeth at the start of my sentence but ignores it, at least for the moment.
- And if you put a skirt just for you, at home?

- I feel normal. For me, clothes are not or in any case should not be gendered. But despite everything I need to avoid this feeling of femininity, because that's how we are socialized.
I'm afraid of expressing myself badly, afraid that my words aren't the right ones. I am terrified at the idea of making a generality of feelings which only concern me.

He finishes his sandwich, leaving a pleasant silence. He reflects as I try my best to finish my lunch.
Once he's done, he goes to throw away his waste and comes back to sit next to me, who puts the rest of the sandwich in my bag to finish it later.

- Well. So, Bin.
I blush at the nickname.
- I don't see the problem. Why did you run away after our kiss?

I blush and try to escape his gaze.
- Because you're gay and...

- And what ?
He cuts me off.
- I'm gay and I kissed a very pretty boy on Saturday who ran away right after. I thought I stank! I was scared! Then I was disappointed...

- Disappointed?
I meet his gaze again.

- Yes, I was craving to kiss you again.
His lips meet mine in a sweet and short kiss and he smiles at me when we part.

I feel an intense heat rising to my cheeks and my vision is blurry because of tears. Before Minho could even say anything, I jump into his arms and bury my face in the crook of his neck.