Not A Girl- Minbin

Chapter 6

Sitting on this bench, this same bench on which I spent my lunch the day before, I take out a cigarette and light it, bringing it to my lips. I spit out the smoke slowly and look at my arm, I don't want to burn myself today.
After our embrace yesterday, we had to go back to class. We haven't seen each other since. To tell the truth, I did not take the bus to avoid seeing him and I went out this afternoon for the exact same reason. I'm scared, I still don't know how to deal with him. I can't tell if we're together or not, I don't know what he expects from me and I'm scared. I don't understand how he can want me anyway.
I decided to disobey my father, and put on pants. I know I'm risking a lot, but the feeling of all these looks makes me uncomfortable, gives me the wreath. For at least one day this week, I ditched the pleated skirt for gray fabric pants that look like our school uniform. As I walked out, I put on my red beanie, hiding my hair in it and leaving only two strands casually framing my face. With the cigarette between my lips, I take out my cell phone and notice a message from Jisung asking me where I am. I quickly tell him that I got out for some fresh air and put my phone back in my pocket, not realizing that someone was approaching me. So I jump when a hand lands on my shoulder, getting up to face the intruder.
My heart is pounding, but I feel like it stops the instant I meet Minho's laughing eyes.
He goes around the bench, I am frozen. He doesn't say anything but places a brief kiss on my cheek. His hand is now on my arm and his smile is wide. He has sparkling eyes and all I can do is chuckling like an idiot.
We don't say hello, we just look at each other for a moment, like that. It's weird. When I'm with Minho, and since the first time our eyes met, time no longer exists. I have the feeling that nothing can reach me and that it is only the two of us.
And I'm terrified of that feeling, but the more I drown for that gaze, the more I become dependent on his presence.
Slowly, really slowly, from my arm to my hand, his hand descends and our fingers intertwine.

- So, Changbin? You're avoiding me?

I come to my senses and with my free hand, withdraw the cigarette from between my lips to blow the smoke that has so far remained across my throat in the opposite direction, not wishing to impose this foul odor on him.
I then let go of his hand, giving him a slight smile, to go and crush my cigarette and throw it away.
When I come back to him, he is sitting on the bench waiting for me. I sit down next to him and rest my head on his shoulder. He is visibly surprised but he relaxes quickly.

- I admit it. I'm avoiding you... sorry...

He tritches my fingers, stroking the back of my hand. His hands are soft, a little rough in places and his joints are damaged but in my opinion, they are soft.
- Do not apologize! You must have a reason... I just wish I could have seen your beautiful face sooner.

I look up, curious.
- Don't you want to know why I'm avoiding you?

He chuckles, resting his hand on my cheek and I close my eyes, enjoying the contact.
- Yes, of course I do. But I think if you want to talk to me about it then you will.

I open my eyes, our gazes meet. He has that reassuring smile that I know well now, forming slight wrinkles at the corners of his eyes.

- It's just... I'm scared. I don't know what we are, the two of us...

I look down but notice that his smile doesn't go away. He has stopped playing with my hand, however, and now holds it firmly in his.

- Maybe we could... be together?
I open my mouth, wanting to speak, but he cuts me off.
- I'm gay. So I can fall in love with a man. And you're a man, aren't you?
His question is rhetorical but I still confirm with a slight nod.
- I don't care what other people see in you. You are a man, as much in your eyes as in mine.

I pretend to think, my next question having nevertheless trotted in my head all day.
- But in this case, the barrier of sexual orientations becomes a little blurry? I mean... that leaves endless possibilities.

He chuckles.
- And maybe it's better that way. Then I don't really think about all that, I don't want to settle in a specific box, in any case I no longer want to. I just want to be able to hug the person I like, whatever their gender, their sex, or how society sees this person.
He slips a finger under my chin, chuckling then:
- Said person being you, Binnie.

I close my eyes as my lower lip is surrounded by his two beautiful full lips. A soft kiss but a no less long then follows and I lose all my bearings, reveling in this exquisite sensation.
We separate, breathless, and I blush slightly, avoiding his gaze.

But a voice comes out of our reverie.
- Haneul? Minho...? But...
We immediately turn to Jisung who is frozen in front of us, perplexed.
- I thought you were gay, Min? And... Ha, why is... I...

I sit up and take a deep breath, feeling my limbs starting to shake. Minho's hand, however, finds mine and I manage to find some semblance of order in my mind. I look up, determined, and my eyes meet Jisung's.

- Ji... I have something to tell you...