Tactless Temerity

01

Josephine

"Like Sartre, I was a firm believer that I was put in this world by chance. Our parents may have procreated me, pero pwedeng ibang tao ang maari nilang naging anak depende sa kanilang mga naging desisyon. My existence went hand in hand with my freedom and how I came to be was also based on my choices....Well, that was what I thought." Bumuntongininga ako bago nagpatuloy. "Now I think that there was this pre-determined life for me wherein I am meant to suffer more than to actually live."

Nakita ko ang pagsimangot ni Rory sa akin bago siya nagsalita.

"But didn't Sartre's also said that freedom always comes with anxiety? Normal ang makaramdam ng negatibo dahil hindi naman lahat ng choices natin ay maganda ang kinalalabasan. Walang predetermination ate...ikaw at ikaw ang magdidikta kung saan ka pupunta."

That made me giggle dryly. Mas napasimangot lang sa akin si Rory. I loved that I could already talk to her like this without the pretense, but I hated to think that she was judging me...even if she was not. Trabaho niya ang ganito, pero hindi ko pa rin maiwasang kainin ng masamang pag-iisip. My issues were beyond repair at kung maayos pa ba ay hindi ko alam.

"Well, I guess he was wrong. Hindi pa yata na torture si Sartre para isipin niyang fool proof ang mga paniniwala niya. Look, Rory..." I sighed heavily then held her gaze. "Lumaki tayong...marangya ang buhay, we had multiple choices to choose from and we had a bright future ahead of us. Pero...it was not for us. That was one of the predetermined things that robbed us of our freedom. We were born into that kind of society, so much so that when those choices were taken away..."

It was Rory's turn to laugh, humorlessly I might add.

"I have to stop you right there, Ate...you're clearly in denial still. It was never ours."

"That's what I was saying."

Umiling siya.

"No..no...it was never ours...those choices that you said that were taken away, they were not even choices. It was all but results of the hardwork that our parents did. Comfort and security. Our parents provided us with everything we could ever need, gave us a clearer path to walk on, but it did not mean that we have to also walk through it. Pero ikaw...you planned your life walking towards that path even though you used to think like Sartre, and isn't that...hypocritical? You liked that you belonged in that society however it trampled your beliefs. You felt safe...you felt secured, so you never truly made plans outside of that life, invalidating your freedom...you never really...lived."

What she said felt like a slap on my face. Three years. I waited three years to finally be able to talk to my sister freely and I never thought that she was this good and hard. At times, passionately cruel. Carmen walked on eggshells around me whenever we talked about things, and I was actually proud of Rory for seeing right through me and calling me out when we had our third session. Napabuntinghininga na ako.

"And what was I supposed to do, Rory? I inherited the responsibility."

"I know, but those responsibilities could have been shared. Hindi naman tayo nagkakalayo ng edad. You never gave me the chance. I was not fragile as well."

"Alam ko..." Napatingin ako sa kawalan.

"But I don't hold it against you. I just wanted to understand why you're pitting yourself against...yourself. And why are you still so stuck in the belief that you were meant to suffer? That you had no choice? Well you have a choice now...you had a choice then...and you will always have a choice, at kung bilang kapatid mo at tatanungin ako? I'd say this for all the right reasons...you were a fool, you chose to be a fool. You chose to be blindsided when you fell in love. You saw no reason. That was why when the red flag that was Clifford Aragon who was wrapped up in a shiny knight in shining armour façade was dangled infront of you, you chose to become the damsel, you let him, you chose to let him sweep you off your feet and you drowned in him. And he let you...drown, and you bled. Along with the most savage shark there is."