Tactless Temerity

05

Josephine

Pumailalim ako sa tub at ilang beses na inulit iyon para malamigan ang ulo ko. Clifford had already left hours ago, pero hindi pa rin ako makatulog dahil pakiramdam ko ay natibag niya ulit pundasyong unti-unti kong binubuo.

I had always thought of Dr. Clifford Aragon as a handsome, mild spoken, straight laced gentleman. He took his time getting to know me as I did with him. Hindi siya naging mapilit sa tuwing tatanungin niya ako kung pwede ba kaming magkita sa labas ng Andrade Med at hihindi ako.

I was not that young, but I was quite naïve and very conservative. I was waiting for him to talk to my parents for I was that kind of traditional and I had high respects for family above all else. It never happened, that dream of mine and my dream guy actually did not match and all I got were feelings. I used to think that he was my dream guy back then, so boohoo, Josephine.

I missed a couple of classes just to go to the hospital and gave myself some lame reason like I felt sick or I had tonsillitis when it was just the usual sore throat, just to see him. And he saw right through me. He said that he found it sweet and if only I would say yes to having dinner with him, it would make him the happiest. At ako naman si tanga ay umoo. Sana ay hindi na lang. Sana ay pumasok ako noon, sana ay sa iba ko ibinaling ang atensiyon, but my actions were mine and mine alone.

The dinner with him became a regular and one day he asked me if I wanted him to be my boyfriend. I said yes. Not even noting a single thing like, our dinners were mostly out of the city, mostly chiq hole in the walls, though good food, I recognized now that it was all but elaborate secret ruses to get my trust, so that he can have access to my father's company.

Napakagaling niya, and though it may be true, that he had feelings for me, hindi naman iyon sapat. Hindi iyon naging sapat, at hindi magiging sapat ang ngayong nararamdaman niya sa akin.

Regret had always been..universal, magkaiba lang ang regret naming dalawa, kung sa kanya ay bordering on delusion, ang sa akin ay pagsisisi na naging bulag ako. Katulad ng sabi ni Rory, I never saw the red flags, or atleast ignored it because I was...ignorant, and in love. I was tactless on everything but him.

The water in my tub was hot pero nagsisimula na akong panlamigan sa mga sunod na naiisip. My fears were clawing at me and the biggest fear of mine was hogging every rational cell in my head.

"Iniputan ka pa talaga ng doctor na 'yun?" Preston's voice was like an unending scratching on metal and dread accompanied every syllable that he enunciated. "Imposibleng sa akin 'yan. Sa bibig mo ako palaging nagpapaputok." He continued and as always, I stayed quiet.

I waited as the doctor he brought cleaned me up and let me drink meds. I just lost something that I never thought I had...how can he easily take a life away without even flinching? Sinipa niya pa ang maliit na basin sa tapat ko. Dugo pa lang naman iyon...pero...I felt it. When it left my body, it also left my being. My soul.

Ni hindi ko magawang maiyak.

"Should I clean up her left eye as well?" The doctor asked. She never made eye contact siguro ay dahil sa itsura ko.

"No. Leave it. Makakaalis ka na."

And she did as told, leaving me with the monster.

"Papahingahin kita ng ilang araw, but remember this, babe...I'm going to fuck you again. This time sisiguraduhin kong akin na ang dadalhin mo." He laughed loudly. "Let's see how your boyfriend reacts and it would be such a sight seeing his face while looking at your stomach that's carrying my child. Naagawan niya man ako ng posisyon..." Humalakhak siya ng mas malakas. "Napatay ko rin naman ang anak niya...."