Tactless Temerity

14

Josephine

Kanina pa ako nagdadalawa, tatlo at apat na isip na igalaw ang mga paa para lumabas ng suite, pero hanggang sa pagtitig na lang sa saradong Tupperware na nakaibabaw sa dining table ang nagawa ko.

"Shit..." I clasped my hands and gripped them tight.

Adobo. I did not know how to cook so I was not sure if matatawag na adobo ang laman ng nakasaradong Tupperware which I planned on bringing at Sigurd's suite. I wanted a way towards the heart that he was offering me and see if mine matched the beating of it.

I was not naïve, I knew what he was making me feel. I just got so good at averting it. Siguro dahil may mga bagong bagay siya sa akin na naipapadama, the sex mostly and I was too engrossed by such new things...I was deprived of such passion that I dwelled on it and purposely disregarded the other stuff that he was giving me and how so good it would be had I let myself drown in it.

Gusto ko mang isisi ulit ito sa ginawa sa akin nina Clifford ay alam kong hindi na valid. I had long ago stepped away from blaming things on him. It was valid to do so, but it was restraining me from fully living myself and he no longer has a hold on me.

They should no longer ever have.

And now as I started to acknowledge every good thing that Sigurd was, I should also brace myself for every bad thing that Preston Zarate was.

Preston Zarate may very well be the devil incarnate. He drugged me, abducted me, bounded me 'till the chains burned through my wrists and ankles, tortured me in more ways than one 'till he believed that I really had no idea what was happening, raped me whenever he wanted and terminated my pregnancy. He made me lie and play with Rory's head 'till she got herself involved with Wonderland. Had I refused, Preston promised that I won't be alone anymore and that my sister would join me and he'd enjoy raping her as well. He had no remorse and had Viktor found me late, siguro ay nasira na ang bait ko.

Clifford's ambitions of penetrating and eradicating The Syndicate led Preston to me, something that he did not see coming and until now, Clifford had no idea about it. Sinadya kong pakiusapan si Viktor na huwag sasabihin ang pangalan ni Preston.

Maybe because even though I just got out of that horrible situation, I was still in denial about the truth that everything was a lie, I still cared and was scared that Preston would kill him.

I was in love, then no longer.

And this north man...

"God..." Gigil kong ibinaon ang mukha sa mga kamay.

....

"Oh lord." Naduwal na iniluwa ni Rory sa kamay niya ang pangatlo kong attempt ng adobo. "Ate galit ka ba sa toyo? That's...wild." I saw tears and it made me frown.

"Kaya siguro hindi ko pa magawang puntahan siya." I sighed and covered the Tupperware. Hinilot ko ang sentido at nagmukmok sa tabletop ng kusina niya.

"Ate...that's...foolish. You know that the whole adobo thing is a mere allegory of what's really happening inside you, and not just your head."

"That's...kind of true." I sighed. "Alam mo, bago ang lahat ng ito...say when we were kids, my fears were about falling, tripping, getting bruises and the monster under our bed. Noong teenager naman ako, I feared that I would not do well in school, fail. That you, our parents, the people around us would see me differently should I fail at anything. Then Clifford came and my fears somehow changed, I did not care anymore about the former ones, but the replacements were much heavy. I feared that he'd leave me, that he'd see other girls, that he'd one day not love me anymore. That one day I won't be enough. Totoo naman, magsimula sa mga takot ko noong bata pa ako, hanggang sa puntong hindi ako enough ay nagkatotoo. Clifford was a damn good user and Preston...now he's the cherry on top of cake that was my dread. And the horrors that came with him crushed my resilience."