golden | A HARRY STYLES NOVEL

"I Get The Feeling"

Chapter 32.

"I said a lot of things, but never that, no." I confessed to my mom over the phone. She stayed quiet and I traced circles on the counter in front of me. "...I don't have it in me." I shrugged off the stinging in my chest like it was merely a joke.

"We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," She said softly, "How is your writing coming along?" How pointless of a question with a motive like mine. I realized my writing would take an awful pause with my amount of energy being next to none.

My writing felt like it wouldn't be without him, so it simply wouldn't be. And I despised myself for being so reliant on someone else for something that should have been rightfully mine. "It's not-- not well, I guess. Maybe I should try getting back into it." I felt hollow as I found the front to put up. It took a lot to be open to someone, that effort just... wasn't there for me then.

"I actually have to go, Mom, I'm sorry. I'm going to say goodbye to Sarah and Mitch."

"Will Harry not be there?" She asked, and I bit my lip. "He will be."

"You know you still have a chance then?"

Something came out of me in pure anger at everything. I needed to leave, I didn't have the time to cry and dry my tears. I couldn't- "People keep-- I need-- I need people to stop telling me what to do. People keep telling me to love him... If I can't say it on my own maybe I- still don't know what it feels like." I was so mad at myself for snapping at her that I hung up and immediately snatched my bag from the table as I walked furiously out the door.

Everything was spinning around me. I genuinely felt like I was going to fall on the over as I made my way down the stairs of my apartment. My legs felt weak so walking was just as much of a burden as I felt I was to myself.

The moment I stepped outside, I could breathe again. It was a nice day. A peaceful one. And I was angry, wondering how in the world a day like this could feel like my last.

I took deep, stable breaths as I walked to Anna's to borrow her scooter. I'd pay conscious attention to my lungs, feeling them go in and out and the stabbing in between them every time I'd wait more seconds than I should to give them air again just to feel something a bit clearer. It was an odd feeling that made me appreciate the times where breathing easily wasn't a task.

Driving Anna's scooter was a little easier, the soft air breezed through my loose hair that I had hardly bothered to tame. Sarah told me to meet them at the airport in Florence, but outside of the building where Harry would be away from the rest of the people. It wasn't very far from where I was at, and definitely was not long enough of a drive to give me the time to prepare.

It was much easier to push back my feelings when I got there, which I wasn't necessarily expecting of myself. Sarah came up to me quickly and hugged me tight. I'd love her forever and ever, I knew it. Mitch was a close second, coming up to me from behind and throwing his arms around me. "Harry said you two had already said goodbye? I hate asking but what are the two of you doing?" Mitch wondered aloud.

"Um... that's a good question. It's not all that big of a deal, we'll be alright. Things... come and go." I lost the power behind my voice with the last few words. Sarah placed her hand behind Mitch's back and he stepped aside.

"I told him not to bring it up, I'm sorry."

I shook my head, "No, it's okay, really. I'm sure Harry feels the same. I'm excited for him." Sarah gave me nothing but a sympathetic smile. Somehow that was everything I needed. Just reassurance. And I was getting it nowhere. Her smile seemed to tell me that she hurt for me and that she was confident in me all in one.

I was doing a good enough job holding it together. I hoped it wasn't all that obvious, but in context everyone could assume just how I was feeling. I, for the most part, hated that I was that see-through. Vulnerability was never my friend, simple as that.

It was absurdly quiet for such a typically loud place, and I wondered if I was just drowning out the sound myself. I heard nothing but the sound of rain, like I'd been thrown back into the night. I stared at his red eyes coated in rain as if they were right in front of me. And they weren't, but if anything was ever more real than the ache I felt with that vision in my blank eyes, I would be surprised.

And my name rang on his lips like a bell calling someone home, over and over and over. I'd been pulled away from reality again. I remember once being away from it constantly. It was my safe place as a kid. I'd write stories instead of having to think, and I'd dream to keep from seeing real life. There was not much wrong, but there was not much right, and I had felt only half this aloneness before finding out what it was like to oppose that.

Day of Show by Skullcrusher
I'd go home, I decided it then. My mom needed me, no matter what she said. I'd stay off of social media to keep away from the album and the tour, I surely couldn't handle that at this point. Maybe I'd find myself listening one day, but it felt draining to think about putting myself through that.

I said my final goodbyes to Sarah and Mitch, Jeff and Charlotte, Adam, Ny Oh, in the next to paralyzed state that I was in. They all collected their things as I stood there aimlessly. The moments leading up to something I didn't wish to feel, to say, to be pulled into.

Time passes like honey here. And it arrives like the bee that stings.

"So, Darby Anna Eden."

"Don't say my full name like that." I say quickly, refusing to turn around to the voice speaking at the back of my head. "It sounds awful."

"I dare say I don't understand why you never wished to tell me. Before."

I take a deep breath, embracing myself before turning to meet his foolish eyes once more. "Anna was the only one to take in my mother when she was pregnant with me as a teenager. My mother's parents kicked her out, my dad left and later came back, but only for a year before-" I speak softly but powerfully, for that is the only tone I truly know how to carry.

"I'm sorry, Harry, but this is not a conversation I want to have right now." I nearly lose it to tears in this moment. He abruptly pulls me into a hug and my instinct is to pull away. Shouldn't this feel like home? Does it? I should be okay, and I don't feel... okay.

"Come with me." He whispers, so quietly that there could have been a debate over his true intentions. "What?" I whisper back, more in shock than I had the ability to muster.

"Come with me, Darby." He says with much more confidence. I fall back into the habit of repeating a simple 'no' out of fear. Slightly shaking my head, letting my anxiety flood over me and every atom of my body. It is easy to give into temptation, but the temptation of backing out was much greater than that of touring a different world. The back of my head is reserved completely for the fact that this is not for me, and my writing needed every piece of me. "No... no no no no..." I breathe out quietly.

He grabs the side of my arms, and I realize that the band is still standing nearby. "Darby..." He repeats himself, obviously losing his mind. His lip is quivering, his hair dangling drearily down on his forehead. Those strands used to drive me mad.

"God, Darby, I love you. Don't you love me??! Why is this so hard for you? You do love me right?" He sobs angrily. It scares me.

That was it. With that, I can never bring myself to confessing such a thing in all the rest of my time. My stubbornness is a curse, I knew forever that I'd find it as my downfall.

The band heard easily his pleading cries, I caught Sarah shaking her head in the corner of my eye. He'd made it this far just to lose to his haste. An expected disappointment.

"Harry... you know what you just said..." I cried with him. He nodded, knowing exactly what he'd just ruined. I could have been the one. The one to fix it with a simple answer, the one he'd chase after, the one he'd stay with forever. Instead I was the one he'd let get away, and I was the one girl who would let that happen.

I ran away again.