golden | A HARRY STYLES NOVEL

"Crisp Trepidation"

Chapter 12.

Day of Show by Skullcrusher

'Studio today, sorry love', I read from my phone in my head. I had worked all day and was becoming much too accustomed to not being alone. I took a deep breath.

The sun had already set. But the skies were clear enough to see the stars tonight. That sounded wonderful until I actually sat down on my balcony to look at them.

They reminded me of him and that idea nearly would have disgusted me if it weren't... him.

I hated looking at them alone. Yet I was drawn to them. I could pick out Jupiter and Saturn, two of the brightest in the sky. They were right next to each other, when in reality they were years and years away. Stars were always my favorite until I was alone under them. That is an entirely different feeling.

I turned on my music to fill the extra silence, and it was partially comforting. Until it was a song I couldn't even handle listening to. I turned it off quickly. I hardly felt like the old me, who took pride in the ability to be lonely, excusing it as independence although it was so unhealthy. And I had no idea if that was good or really, really bad.

I used to want to be alone. I'd grown used to these nights where I gazed alone. I was alone, for years just alone. And it was definitely my own fault. I grew up with no one but my mum and Anna. And I wrote cheesy poetry until I taught myself not to. And I convinced myself that I was in love to fix myself. I had no idea how wrong that was then.

I grew up taking every burden upon myself, blaming myself for everything the universe gifted me. The only thing my mum wanted me to truly know was that it was not my fault. And I spent my rebellious teen years not believing her.

I'd been taught to stay grounded by my mum, but I was letting it restrict me from growing. And changing. I grabbed my phone and her guitar from inside, and sat back down. "Hi, mum." I let a small smile peek from my lips but my eyes still felt heavy.

When I heard her voice, my tears fell silently streaking my cheeks. I despised myself for continuing to do it, this thing where I tried to stay strong for other people's sake. The problem with my mind is that I knew when something I did was wrong but I couldn't convince myself to open up to anyone about it. It was for them, not for me. My mom needed me to be stronger.

"I just wanted to call you, and say that" I sniffled a little bit, "Tell you that I, uh, miss you. A lot." "I miss you too, Darbs. What's wrong?" She said in her usual comforting tone. I laughed a little bit, wiping my eyes. She knew.

"Nothing is wrong, mum." I steadied my breath, deciding to tell her everything. "A lot has happened."
...

"Do you love him, Darbs. It's more simple than it sounds." After I spilled the whole story she jumped straight to the question and it sent a pang of fear through me. "Mum, no- I-" I stood up and leaned over the balcony, watching the people and the lights below me. There was even music playing a distance away. I laughed at my own self pity, letting my free hand rise and fall abruptly hitting my leg. I let out a deep sigh, "I'm too nervous. I'm terrified that we're taking it way too fast, but... too slow. At the same time. And I didn't come here to love a person, I came to love a city and to write about it." My expression dimmed quite quickly.

"Well it doesn't matter what you planned, what matters is that you're taking what you've been given... and you're loving that. Look Darby, I know you don't want to and you don't like hearing it but you have no reason not to love this boy with everything that you are. If you want to, of course. If he breaks your heart, then, well, you will have gained more experience. You went looking for experience, as are we all in life."