인정하기 싫어 (I don't want to admit it) | Minchan

Chapter 1

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[ c h a n s,  j e o n g i n s  a n d  f e l i x s  a p a r t m e n t]
[ 17th  F e b r u a r y ]

"Chan hyung, I want you to be honest with me. Do you still miss her?"

Chan sat there in silence, thinking.

He didn't know.

What even was "missing"?

He always understood it as a longing feeling. Like he wanted the person to always be around and when they weren't he would always try to find them everywhere he went. It also came with a special kind of sadness. The type of sadness that came with missing, ate him up. It was like a hole that got bigger and bigger as long as he was away from that person. At some point, when the hole was too big, it would break him.

But did Chan feel that?

Well it was complicated.

When he thought about them, he felt warm and comfortable. He wanted that feeling back. He hadn't felt it in 4 months. He wanted to hug her and maybe give them a kiss on the forehead. He wanted to clean up her mess. He wanted to taste their food. He wanted to listen to them ranting about TXT and how amazing Beomgyu was. He wanted-

I don't want to admit it

Yes, he did not want to admit it.

Felix would be so disappointed. He and Jeongin even moved in with him to make him feel less lonely. Felix had been doing nothing but comforting him. They did so many things, they hadn't done since they were kids. In those moments Chan did feel happy. But the night always came and it would bring memories with it. Felix could try as much as he wanted, it simply wouldn't work.

So naturally he didn't want to admit it. But lie to Felix? He could never.

Maybe he should this one time.

Plus, Jeongin was present. Chan admired Jeongin for being everything he couldn't be. He didn't want to involve Jeongin in his problems. Chan could see that Jeongin looked up to him and he was scared, that he would ruin that image, if he admitted it.

I still miss you

And how much he did. With every spine of his body he longed for her. The hole had gotten too big a while ago and it kept on extending. He seriously was questioning how long he would be able to hold on. It wasn't long for sure.

He looked up.

Felix had been scanning every move of his.

This would be hard.

"No I don't."

Felix didn't believe him. He could see it.

The way he furrowed his brows. The way his eyes slightly darkened, a thing only Chan was able to see for some reason. The way he kept up his smile, which wasn't honest anymore.

Chan felt like a horrible person.

"Are you sure hyung?"

"Felix, do we need to talk about this now?", Chans gaze went to Jeongin, who wasn't concentrating on his game at all. It was obvious, that he was very much listening.

He looked at Felix once again and moved his head slightly to show him, what he just discovered.

Felix looked over to Jeongin and looked back at Chan with an "what's your problem?" expression on his face. He then continued to reply: "Yes we do. Chan hyung, this is so important, I really don't know why you keep on avoiding it. Oh and", he turned around to Jeongin, "Innie, if you want to listen, just come over. You don't have to pretend to play."

Jeongin turned around, showing the smile Chan loved so much. He came over and sat down next to Felix while murmuring an apology.

"It's okay", Felix smiled. Then he turned to Chan.

"Now tell us how you feel." "YES, we wanna knowwww"

Chan most certainly did not want to talk about his feelings. They were too much for him, he didn't want to burden his friends. Ignoring the fact, that he didn't even know how to express them. He would probably break down.

"I'm sorry you guys, but I really can't express them", he said, while scratching his back in guilt.

Jeongin looked a bit disappointed but still gave Chan a reassuring smile. "It's fine, I don't want to pressure you hyung."

Felix looked like he was fighting with himself and Chan could basically feel the fight incoming.

Nonetheless he turned to Jeongin and started: "Thank y-"

Felix had interrupted him almost immediately: "Chan hyung, I love you, but I need you to talk to me. I can clearly see that you're suffering and I don't want you to go through that. You need to let me help you and talk to me. I've been working so hard these past months to get you out of your hole, but you keep on pushing yourself away from me and Jeonginnie. We want to help you, but you need to trust us hyung."

"Felix, I love you too, but you need to understand, that I can't express my feelings right now." Chan had started to shake, he hated these fights with Felix. "I trust you and I also trust Innie and I would talk to you guys, if I could."

"Well, I can't really see that right now", Felix said, also shaking. Chan wasn't sure, if it was out of anger or out of sadness, but he couldn't really believe the first thing. Felix never got angry, in most cases he was just overly concerned.

Jeongin sat next to them clearly overwhelmed.

"What am I supposed to do? I'm being completely honest with you right now. This is why I preferably don't talk about my feelings."

Felix looked up at him, he now had tears in his eyes. "What do you mean?"

"You get so concerned Felix. I don't need that, it makes it worst most of the times."

Felix stood up. "Oh if it's like that, I can leave. You obviously don't need me." He turned around, storming out of the room. Jeongin following him closely.

Shit, Chan thought, I fucked up.

The silence felt really loud now.

I'm the worst human being ever, he'll probably hate me now

How could I forget

Couldn't these voices leave him alone? They made everything worse. They brought memories up, Chan didn't want to remember. They reminded him of Yi and how she had left him.

I promised

He had promised to never let his feelings overtake. He wanted to stay calm. He wanted to be just like the others. No one else had such a hard time after a break up. Why him? He had lost many friends, just because of a lack of contact, because he was too busy dealing with his own feelings. He hated himself for that, always putting his feelings before the others. No one did that. He was just selfish. There was clearly something wrong with him.

That's why he had lied to Felix.

That's why Yi had left him in the first place.

Without him knowing he had started crying again.

He really was the worst human being on this planet