Back To Darkness

Chapter 11: A Homecoming of Sorts

Trudging through the thick sludge and dark swirling mists of his mind was draining. Occasionally the mists parted and he caught a glimpse beyond, but these moments of confusing brightness were short-lived; the darkness would rush back greedily.

After five weeks with Akito Yuki's defences had been stripped bare, leaving him raw and tender, vulnerable. He was small and insignificant. It confused him that it had taken him so long to realise what he was. Unlovable. He'd thought he was clever. Obviously he'd been wrong, about everything.

Time seemed to pass strangely. Sometimes the seconds would tick agonisingly by, pausing cruelly before they stepped forward, other times the hours would pour by in a flowing, twisting current. Yuki preferred when he lost track of time completely. Then he would lurch to and find himself crying in the corner, wrapped in Akito's embrace, standing in the shower... it could be anywhere. The only thing constant was the conflict he felt. Akito said he loved him, and perhaps he did. But, why did it feel like he hated him?

He fed Yuki well, bringing rich food which Yuki could barely taste, gave him the medication Yuki no longer cared about. They slept in the same bed each night and Akito held him close and stroked his hair when he cried. They helped each other with their nightmares. Why then, despite all this, did Yuki have a jarring feeling something was wrong?

Sometimes, when he was able to peer through the mists, he wondered these things, wondered if Akito truly loved him. When Yuki had uttered Tohru's name in his sleep and Akito slashed his chest open, that hadn't felt like love... had it?

What did love feel like? Was this it?

Akito made him feel constantly in danger, but also often, safe.

In these rare moments of clarity Yuki's brain screamed at the conflict it was experiencing.

One day Yuki was standing in the shower, which was the closest he came to relaxing. He watched the water run over his various wounds. He barely felt or cared about them anymore. What did it matter if his body was broken anyway? It was merely a vessel to carry him to death. From the day you are born you start to die. With a bitter smile at this morbid thought Yuki turned. Akito was standing two feet from him, completely naked. Yuki blinked, feeling shock or surprise for the first time in weeks. His brain ignited; a distant voice screaming of danger whilst a louder, closer one murmured that it was safe, Akito loved them. His instinct told him to listen to the warnings and he felt himself taking a shaking half-step backwards. Akito merely smiled, reaching past him for the shampoo. He washed himself in silence, his eyes rarely leaving Yuki. Yuki was frozen, unable to think clearly or tear his gaze away. Eventually, with a sly smile, Akito left. Although Akito had been very careful not to touch him, Yuki felt the imaginary caress of those long hands on his wet body as he sank to his knees. It sent a shiver through him.

Shortly after this, Akito told Yuki he would be returning to Shigure's house for the foreseeable future. Yuki dragged himself from his stupor to consider this proposal. Akito told him, with a bitter edge to his voice, that Hatori needed to treat him daily now. Yuki nodded groggily, wondering. He examined Akito critically, seeing him clearly for the first time in a long time. He supposed he hadn't noticed before, in his befuddled state, and due to his seeing Akito every day, but now he noted he had definitely lost weight. Yuki knew Akito slept badly, had nightmares and sometimes had little appetite. With Akito though, he wore the bags under his eyes as one would designer make up, displayed his thinness in the form of elegance and slenderness and channelled his anxiety through anger. In short, he thrived, putting on a splendid show to disguise his fears.

Yuki pondered vaguely that he must know Akito better than anyone. The thought provided him with some small comfort but also saddened him. He on the other hand, could not turn his pain into beauty. Instead it tore him apart, as he knew only too well. Something more must be wrong with Akito then for Hatori to insist upon further treatment. Yuki bowed his head low, letting it rest on Akito's bony shoulder. Akito placed the whisper of a kiss on his head and stood to leave. He paused.