Going Full Throttle

Chapter 34

Once I was alone again, I slumped onto the front step of my cabin and dropped my head into my hands. Tears dripped slowly down my cheeks. They were in no hurry to rush out as the weight of disappointment sank around me. The heavy cloud paralyzed my body and mind.

Listening to Tyler say all of that had made my body electric. I had felt the blood surging through my veins, pounding in my ears. Every nerve in my body was exposed and raw like his words had torn apart my armour and left me bare to him.

But then he was gone, and so was my energy. I could barely support my own weight as I melted further into the steps.

"Fuck," I hissed into my hands. I smacked my forehead as I replayed my words to Tyler. He was much better at that than he gave himself credit for. Even as he stumbled through it, he had me. I was so ready to say yes to the obscure, weakly-defined, possibility he offered.

Yet when I opened my mouth, "Yes" was not what came out. It was like I went into auto-pilot. My heart wanted one thing, but my brain knew I couldn't have it. I just didn't have the capacity right now for more upheaval and uncertainty. I needed concrete, steady, infallible.

As much as I wanted to, I just didn't trust that Tyler could even come close. An insecure voice inside my heart echoed that Tyler was confusing an unsatiated lust for true affection. With everything going on in my life, how could I risk it?

I stood up and brushed off my dress. I felt numb and cold, but I knew that I couldn't wallow. Twyla would notice my absence from her party and I needed to check on Finn. As much as I wanted to curl into a ball on my couch, I had responsibilities.

I used the window in the door of the cabin to check my makeup. It was a little smudged but good enough. Just as I was about to walk away, something new caught my eye.

For my entire life, the front of the cabin had always looked the same. The yellow paint had always been worn and chipped. The burgundy door had always been a little haphazardly crooked on the hinges. Then there was the old piece of driftwood, that my dad had carved "Home of the Callahans" on.

Only now, there was an addition. Someone had taken a small 2x4 of sanded timber and nailed it to the bottom of the driftwood sign. My hand gingerly touched my trembling lip as I read what they had carved. The sign now said, "Home of the Callahans and one little Evans."

Where had this come from and how did I not notice it? My mind raced with possibilities but I couldn't figure it out. Someone had taken the time to make sure Finn was represented, something that I should have done long ago.

The boy in question came racing around the corner of the cabin and stopped when he saw me.

"Hi Aunty," he grinned as he came over. He noticed what I was staring at and looked down. He tucked his hands behind his back and dug his toes into the gravel.

I was confused by his sheepishness. "Finn, do you know where this came from?"

Finn looked up at me with rounded eyes and a puckered brow. "Yeah," he said slowly. "I... didn't know what it said. So I asked Tylewr."

I willed myself to not react but tears burned the corners of my eyes. Finn's cheeks turned a bit pink as he continued, "I'm sowwy Aunty I don't wanna make you sad."

"No, no," I said quickly. "It's fine! I love the sign! I just want to know where it came from."

"Uhm," Finn mumbled, "Tylewr told me it said this cabin was the home fow Callahans. But I'm not a Callahan and I got a little sad."

I knelt down to his level, ignoring the fact that my knees would get indented and dusty from the gravel, and grabbed Finn's hand. "I'm so sorry. I should have changed the sign. This is your home Finn, it always will be. Even if we have a different last name, we are family."