The Girl He Forgot (Book 2)

Chapter 15 - Just Happier

It was true, sex meant nothing to me. Sex was a means to an end at best. But sex with Carl? That had always meant something... the first time, the second time... and even the third time, when it shouldn't have meant anything, it did... but only to me, not to him and I couldn't bare that thought. That's why the numbness came just as it always had done, I realised as I lay wide awake in my bed the next morning; to protect me, to shield me from something that would otherwise have broken me, and my heart.

Or maybe my heart was already broken. Like in the aftermath of an explosion or a bomb there comes a stillness, a silence, because everything around it has been blown up and there's nothing left to make noise anymore. Maybe my feeling numb was the result of my heart shattering...

I suppose it didn't really matter; there was nothing I could do to change it; I was all out of fight.

I couldn't make Carl forgive me; I couldn't make a person care about me.

I couldn't save Alexandria from Negan and the Saviours.

I couldn't bring Glenn back...

I sighed. There was just too much bad in the world again and I wanted only to run from it.

I felt myself becoming withdrawn, but it felt better out there, beyond the walls somehow... and without Carl to keep me grounded or anchored, there was nothing stopping me anymore...

Fourteen – that was the number of walkers I'd killed today. Killing them made me feel better. Some may think killing them was an outlet for any pent-up anger I carried... maybe others would call it a cry for help or attention; why else would I deliberately put my life in danger? I must either wish for death or for someone to notice... but truthfully, it was neither of those things. Truthfully? I felt it was the only thing I could do to make a difference. It was the one thing I had control over and, all be it a futile goal, one less walker equalled one less chance of losing someone I cared about...

And yes, perhaps yesterday when I'd set out to slaughter some walkers it had been a moment of weakness, madness even. I may even put it down to a subtle attempt on my own life... but not anymore... no, I was 'stable' again, the numbness saw to that... I didn't go rushing into to a load of zombies and take them on all at once as I so recklessly did yesterday. I was more careful, more meditated.

Besides, I needed to not think about yesterday, about what Carl and I had done in the woods. It wasn't exactly something I was proud of and, if I allowed myself to wonder how or why it had happened, I'd drive myself crazy...

Eventually, I'd wander home when the last of the sun's light left the earth.

And the next day I had no intention of doing anything other than the same as yesterday. So, I hurried about. I showered as fast as possible leaving my hair unbrushed and to air dry. I changed the dressings on my wounds – thankfully, they weren't actually as bad as they felt. I shoved on some tough clothing, leaving my ruck sack behind because... well, because I liked the vulnerable feeling I got when I didn't have it with me. I was even toying with the idea of leaving my belt behind as well... maybe one day, if the numbness ever became so overwhelming that going outside no longer quelled me...

I ran downstairs, eager to shake this feeling off on the other side of the wall. I rammed my feet into my boots. I reached for the door handle and yanked it open.

I sucked in a sharp breath when I saw Michonne on the other side. Her big brown eyes widened, the whites of them flashing in contrast against her dark skin. Her fist was raised as if she'd been about to knock.

"Uh-hi" I stammered, in slight shock.

"Hey" the woman replied, clearing her throat a little and recoiling her fist. She eyed my jacket and leather boots, the gun in my belt too. It wasn't unusual for people, even teenagers, to carry firearms and various blades about their persons these days. But paired with my obvious over-the-wall attire it caused Michonne's brow to crease.