The Girl He Forgot (Book 2)

Chapter 23 - It's Not For Them

I wasn't sure of the exact moment we'd left Alexandria, but we arrived at my uncle's late afternoon, judging by the position of the sun.

Carl parked the truck in the surrounding woodland and covered it with branches and foliage so as no one would take it.

I lead the way down the path and to the imposing front gates.

"Wow..." Carl exclaimed, as we approached.

"What?" I asked, warily.

"You never said your uncle lived somewhere like this..." Carl said, in awe as we stepped over the fallen gate and into the property that had once belonged to my family.

I suppose I hadn't thought about it really... especially not since the world ended and money and status became obsolete. But my uncle's house was rather magnificent, and I allowed myself to remember how it had once looked; before the lawns had become overgrown and the weeds had taken over the gravel driveway.

I smiled. "Yeah, it is pretty cool, isn't it?" I mused, fondly.

"It's beyond cool, this is, like, where those rich people lived" he exclaimed as we began walking cautiously down the driveway.

I laughed at Carl's excitement. "You should have seen it... these lawns were lush once; yanno, with those stripey lines running through them. I'd play hide and seek with my cousins in those trees over there..." I pointed to a gathering of huge firtrees that had once resembled all manner of figures but had well and truly lost their shape now. "There's a tennis court on the other end too," I went on "I was awful though, so don't ask me for a game" I giggled, remembering getting hit on the head once by an incoming ball.

Carl regarded me with curiosity.

"What?" I asked, snapping out of my reverie slightly.

"You're smiling... it's nice; you don't seem so cut up about your family anymore" he observed, allowing himself to take his eyes off our surroundings and concentrate on me.

I thought about it for a moment. "I'm sad, but... I suppose I'm just more content knowing I had them..." I began, attempting to psycho analyse myself. "Since I managed to bury them all, I feel at peace..." I explained, my thoughts growing deeper. "I miss them every day, but I wouldn't have wanted to witness any of my family turning into someone like me or... or maybe even someone like Negan...".

I looked over at Carl as we walked, his hand hovering over the knife in his holster. His ears were pricked, listening to my words but his eyes had returned to our surroundings ready to spot any danger.

"...That's the only way they would have survived, isn't it? You and I both know we have to become the monsters to beat the monsters..." I spoke with everything I'd done in mind, all the monstrous acts I committed to survive, and I think Carl was recalling all that he'd done as well. "I want to remember them how they were, how they always will be... and because they're dead I get to do that forever... and they'll never have to see me like this either... they'd be ashamed of the things I'd done or at least there's a chance they would be, and I'm glad they don't know the person I am now..." I concluded, thinking of my grandparents, hoping places like heaven didn't exist where they may have watched over me and seen all the bad I'd done...

"I think you're wrong..." Carl said, lightly. He looked over at me now his eye cast in shadow under the brim of his hat. "It doesn't matter what you've done, or how you've got here, the point is, you are here, and from what I can tell you haven't let the world screw you or turn you into someone like Negan – that's nothing to be ashamed of..."

It was a sweet sentiment... but Carl didn't know half the things I'd done, couldn't imagine the ways in which I'd murdered people or the methods I'd used to seduce and trick men... he couldn't possibly be proud of me if he knew...