Some Scars Don't Heal

Eighteen - And We're Right Back At The Start...

I stared at myself in the mirror, my palms sweating. I ran my hands through my long brown hair and concentrated on breathing. In, and out. Today was the day I was starting school again. For the first time in a month. Mum had rung the headmaster, Mr Phipps, and explained I was going through some traumatic stress. I had begged her not to go into detail, so she hadn't, and Mr Phipps had seemed to buy it. I had texted Holly and Rylan, telling them I was coming back to school today. I hadn't answered the calls though. Most days I had just sat in my room, and thought of Alex. Alex, and our first kiss. I had hoped and prayed that our first kiss wouldn't be our last. It was kind of weird to be honest. I'd never felt this way about a boy before. I thought about him all the time, and my breath caught in my throat. He was just...perfect. I hadn't seen him for a while, and it felt wrong. It felt like my heart was with him, wherever he was, even though I could feel it steadily thudding in my chest.

Apart from sitting in my room, thinking about Alex, I had turned into some kind of OCD freak. I drove Mum mad with arranging the cereals in a certain pattern, tidying the living room everyday and washing my hands every hour. Mum kind of flipped a bit, and rung Maria, who had reassured her that I would probably stop after a while, and so I did. But now I had to go back to school. I studied my reflection. I was wearing dark blue skinny jeans, with a red off the shoulder woollen jumper and hoop earrings. I wasn't satisfied and grabbed a hairbrush, dragging it through my hair, in a desperate attempt to straighten it. It wasn't working.

Mum opened the door, car keys in hand.

"Becky?" I was sat cross legged on the floor with my blue messenger bag in my lap.

"Mum? Do I have to go to school?" I asked, my voice breaking. Mum was next to me in a flash, wrapping her arms around me.

"Baby, it's for the best. You can't just mope around here all day."

"They'll call me names. They'll know what happened." My voice was muffled in Mum's hair.

"Don't be silly Bex. They won't know anything about it." Mum stood up and held out her hand, beckoning me to come with her. I slung my bag over my shoulder and followed her out of my room. Dad was waiting at the bottom of the stairs. He kissed my cheek.

"Show them all what you're made of Bex." I nodded mutely and went out of the door, walking towards Mum's old Toyota, opening the door. Mum sighed and scurried after me.

We were at the school before it had properly settled in that I was going back. I looked out of the window, panic stricken. Holly was stood by the gates, waiting for me. She smiled, and waved. Mum looked at her in relief.

"See, Holly's there. You'll be okay honey." Mum kissed me. "Ring if there's any trouble."

"I will." I opened the door and clambered out. Holly rushed forward and hugged me tightly. I squeezed her back. Behind me, I could hear Mum's car driving away. Too late for escape.

"Becky?" Holly pulled back, her eyes brimming with tears. "How are you?"

"I'm okay Holly." I promised.

"Is it really true? What he...did to you?" Mum had told Holly's mum at my insistance last week. I nodded, not wanting to think about it. Holly grabbed me and pulled me in for another hug. A solitary tear slid down my cheek, and I was relieved I wasn't wearing any mascara, because it would probably be smudged down my cheeks.

----

"You've missed out on quite a lot." Holly told me as we walked towards the science block.

"Like what?"

"Well, there's this new guy, and he's totally gorgeous. His name's Alex." Holly said. My heart stopped. Holly was totally oblivious though, and carried on chattering about teachers and classes and friends, but I wasn't listening. I had just seen a boy with rumpled brown hair in a beanie hat.

Nike high tops.

Black jeans.

A green T Shirt.

I rushed forwards, ignoring Holly's cry of surprise as I banged past her elbow. I wanted to smile, to laugh, to cry, to scream, to hug, to kiss, to talk to, to listen....

The boy had his arm around a girl in a micro skirt, black tights and a studded leather jacket.

Lola.

My breath reeked out in gasps. I couldn't bear it. I walked ahead and tapped the boy on his shoulder with a painted fingernail. He turned around, still laughing at something the girl had said.

Alex.