Some Scars Don't Heal

Nineteen - There Comes A Point Where You Can't Just Ignore It Any More.

"Becky?" Holly was staring at me, a surprised look in her wide eyes. Alex was staring too, but he wasn't surprised, or shocked, or disconcerted. He looked horrified. I immediately blushed, looking down at the floor. Was his memory of me that bad? Was I a bad kisser? I didn't think it was too bad. Was my breath too stale, too sickly sweet, had I eaten something disgusting? I couldn't remember. It was weird though. I'd never worried about this kind of thing with Danny. To be honest, there wasn't enough time to worry about whether I was a good kisser. He just opened his mouth and swallowed me whole. Like an anaconda, I guess.

"Hey, Alex." I said. He dropped his arm from around Lola's shoulders. She pouted, sticking out her lower lip that was too big and fish like to be natural. Alex didn't seem to notice, just gaped at me. I was surprised his lower jaw hadn't hit the floor.

"Becky." It wasn't a question. It was a statement. The bell rang for fifteen minute warning before lessons. Holly looked from me to Alex, dumbfounded.

"Hey, it's Holly, right?" Alex asked my friend. Holly nodded, her eyebrows puckering.

"Can you give me and Becky a couple of minutes?" Holly nodded again and walked off towards the toliets, occasionally sending me looks over her shoulder.

"You too, if that's okay, Lola." Lola looked disappointed.

"But babe..." Alex pressed his lips into a mutinous line, and Lola wisely took off, clattering away in her high heels. Alex breathed a sigh of relief, then turned back to me.

"Becky...That kiss did mean something." I looked up from the ground, where I had been studying the colours of Alex's laces. Weird how he had picked up on my train of thought immediately.

"Really? Cos you got over me PDQ." I smiled sweetly at him. 

"PDQ?"

"Pretty Damned Quick. Off with the old, in with the new."

"Do you really think I'm that shallow? Do you think I'd dump you after one kiss?" Alex spread his hands wide in exasperation.

"I don't know what I think." I admitted. "I hardly know you at all. But what I feel...a connection..." I slapped a hand over my mouth. How could I have admitted that to Alex? What the hell was wrong with me? One minute I hated him for betraying me, the next minute I was telling him I had powerful feelings for him. I'm such a mess.

"You know what, I think I'd better get going..." I whispered, staring at the ground again. I'd walked five steps before Alex's hand descended on my shoulder.

"Becky?"

"What?! What do you want from me now?" I shouted. I didn't care that Alex's brown eyes held hurt, didn't care that my cover had been blown, didn't care that we were beginning to attract unwanted attention.

"I felt a connection too." Alex murmured.

"Don't..."

"I'm not joking, Becky. I felt a really strong, powerful connection. Like you were my soulmate, and that I would travel to the other end of the galaxy and back for you. When you kissed me, it made me feel like I could do great things, impossible things. I...I..."

I was touched by his words, and instinctively reached out to stroke his cheek. Alex took my hand slowly and interlocked his fingers with mine, and I couldn't deny, there was a spark. But then I remembered how I felt when I saw Alex with his arm around Lola, when I was thrown across a room into a mirror, when I tried to kill myself because...because....

"You know what." I pulled my hand out of Alex's. "Save your garbage for someone else. If you really felt like that, you wouldn't be with Lola."

I strode away as Alex stared after me. Holly ran towards me.

"You ok? What was that about?"

"Not important Holly." I replied stonily.

"But..."

"Can we just leave it?" I sighed. Holly frowned, but then nodded. I smiled, but inside I slowly felt like I was dying.