Anger Management- Euphoria

Thirty-one

My heart was in my throat, this was caused by the senses of fear and awkwardness that filled Fezco's living room. The weed-scented couch wasn't helping much anymore.

"What're doing here, Rose?" Fez asked, his elbows still digging into his thighs.

I didn't know what to say because I didn't have an answer. So, I told him the truth. "I don't know. I was driving and I just didn't want to go home."

Fez barely reacted, his eyes were focused directly on me. I could hardly look at him. One look into those blue eyes and everything would spill. I couldn't lie to him or hold anything back.

"You're always welcome here, no matter what bullshit you pull on me," Fez replied, finally sitting back on the couch across from me.

That sent a rush of relief through me. I wasn't exactly expecting him to react so calmly. I would have been screaming at me, I definitely deserved it.

"I'm sorry—," the words came rushing out, I didn't even properly think them. It was like word vomit. "I didn't mean to— I don't want you to think that I don't give a shit about you—,"

Fez shook his head lightly, shocking me from my spewing word vomit.

"What?"

"I'm not mad at you, bro," Fez licked his lips and I had a harder time looking away. "I mean, shit, I'm down that you don't want me like that but you're still my friend and I care about you."

His words were supposed to reassure me but they didn't. He didn't hate me and that should have been more than enough to make me feel better. I couldn't even tell him what I wanted from him because I didn't even fucking know.

Kissing him felt good, and I found it hard to be unhappy around him, like almost impossible. And sitting on his couch brought me more peace than the Xanax I had sitting on my dresser. I didn't feel this way around anyone else. It wasn't bliss or peace really. It was more than that. Sure, Fez fucking calmed me down but he also made me feel secure--not physically but mentally. There was no reason to worry about acting stupid or insecure around him. He's not a judgemental person and he never had been. I'd been so caught up in petty bullshit that I forgot that I didn't need to hide from him.

"I fuckin' suck at this-" I mumbled, barely peeking my eyes over at him. There was a smile on his face?

"That's not new, man."

My mouth was dry and my heart was racing like I just did a gram in the school bathroom but I managed to smile back at him.

Fez shook his head and fully leaned back onto the couch, but his eyes didn't leave me. "Shit, you need to chill. I'm not gonna shit on you or anything."

"Why?" The word flew out of my goddamn mouth before I even knew how to stop it and immediately my heart seized up. FUCK. Now he's gonna rip me a new one.

He licked his lips and automatically my eyes followed the motion. "You're really gonna make me say it?"

I furrowed my brows, my fingers tangled together before pushing my hair back aggressively. "Please don't say what I think what you're about to say. Please fucking don't--it'll make it worse."

"How? It is really that fuckin unbelievable that I love you? Shit, you'll believe anything--fuckin Nate Jacobs is capable of that emotion but not me?"