I've always wondered how to revisit a recent feeling. Sometimes the dread in my stomach would come; and I will feel compelled to write something to match whatever I felt, and when I am about to start formulating words, the feeling would disappear. My thoughts would dissipate, and you will be reading the remnants of whatever words I got written down. Whenever I try to reminisce that particular feeling again, it won't be the same anymore.
I started thinking about love, again. Overthinking, to be frank. I've experienced a few types of love for the last 20 decades of my life. The unwavering kind from my mother, the vague and faded kind, from my dad. The passionate kind from the goddess. The heavy kind from a princess. And the patient, content kind from my kindred soul.
I don't know. I am pretty sure that I am lucky, to ever go through such experiences and to learn from each. But learning, it's so much easier formally, you know? Comparing it to learning from experiences; like what I went through, it's so much harder and it takes a heavier toll on you. Your mistakes, your miscalculations, your what-ifs. What if I was better? What if I did this? What if I didn't?
Was I always this scared before? I can't remember anymore. Am I doing better now, or am I just the same? I can't possibly calculate or make inferences because I can't remember the past. I can't make deductive comparisons, possible interpretations or whatever phony bullshit I used to tell myself that I need to do, because I need to be in control. I need to know, will this person hurt me? And if they will; how, when, and can I ever detach from them before I get really hurt?
I used to think about all of these things. And at the end of it all, I will get hurt all the same.
It was so heavy to me. Not to her, I guess. But in that library, with her sitting in front of me, my chest felt so heavy. I felt the air around me is so hard for me to take in, to inhale. I stared at her, because I wanted to tell her that I might get hyperventilation, or worse, a panic attack, but I didn't.
I stayed silent, and smiled.
Because it's so easy for everyone to do it. But not me.
