It's been 5 days since our breakup.
4 days after I wrote something here, and probably the calmest night I've had since everything fell apart.
My bestfriend and her mother, bless them, have been helping me to get through this. It was hard, and it was annoying even for me, to break down and cry every time I am reminded of her and our memories.
At times, it gets hard. My chest would feel very heavy, as if there's a stone hung around my heart, and I will feel a lot of emotions at once.
Regret. remorse, confusion, self-hatred, reminiscence, pain, love and a lot of other unexplained emotions.
A lot of psychological reassurances and advices on the Internet are trying to convince me that I am lying to myself, that I am no longer loving her but just being melancholic, in shock and some of it even say that I am in love with the idea of being in love with her; or even worse, being in love with my idea of her.
I don't know. They're confusing. And yet they seem to work on people.
The thing is, to me, it's just simple.
I love her. I've always loved her.
She had my heart since I was a schoolkid, seeing her in that green vest with her smile and her laughs. She had my heart since I was a university freshie, seeing her trying out different outfits and figuring out her feelings for me. And for the past few days, I was mad at myself.
I guess I am still mad at myself.
But that's the thing, you know? She was figuring out her feelings for me, she was trying to grow up, and she was trying to be happy. I was there through those phases.
And her verdict was simple; she grew up, and she grew out of us.
I can blame myself for the next 15 years, I know that.
I did that with my dad's death for the past 7 years, but where did it got me?
I had a lot of shortcomings, and I wasn't able to provide her with the trust, reassurance and security that she needed from me. I was too busy loathing myself in my pool of sadness, refusing to swim to the shores; her soft hand reaching out to me.
I messed up.
But it's clear to me that there are no limits of my love towards you.
You were amazing. You were patient, beautiful, messed up (probably because of me), complicated, mysterious, uncertain and lovely.
There are so much more descriptions that I'd write about you but I have limited vocabulary, so.
But you get the point.
You were good to me. And if there's a slight possibility that we'd meet again in the future, minus the pain we caused each other, I'll hold on to that hope.
But that's not my priority. If you happen to never want me anymore, and you happen to find someone better than me, I hope you'll be able to forgive yourself and walk down that aisle with whoever that might be.
But I know that my love for you, as far as time is concerned, is as real as my existence on this Earth.
And I'll do everything in my power to turn this love into something that will make me stronger.
Here's to a better future.
