What do you do when things don't go your way?
What do you do when you realize that you are just never enough, no matter how much you do things or no matter how you try?
A year, Hakim. It's been a year. And I can't stop thinking about killing myself lately. It has been a while and I still feel the same way. Things have already radically changed, but my heart, no matter how far I run, no matter how tired I am, no matter how I try to reset, pretend, or delay, or solve, things just keep on being more and more complicated.
Am I the complicated one? Am I the one who keeps on victimizing myself? Is my mental health insignificant enough that it is expected of me to be okay all the time? I know nobody ever asked me to be strong all the time but even when I am allowed a bit of leniency to be fragile, I just can't shake it.
I am suicidal. And it is so dangerous that I am because I know, more than anyone else, how capable I am of killing myself. I am not like anyone else, they might hesitate, but in the heat of moments, I never fail to deliver expectations.
I am not okay. Do I need therapy? Will it help me? I don't know, and I don't think it can. All of the things I've learned taught me that Western psychology is just not suited to help someone like me. Nobody can, at this point.
But this urge to be saved is so loud, ringing in my ears like never before.
