I lost a friend today.
It's 2.41 a.m. in the morning, and after scrolling as fast as I can on one of my depressing Spotify playlist, I pressed on Bruises, sang beautifully by Lewis Capaldi. I cannot help but think about the long message I sent to her.
She was one of the very few best friends I consider my family. She grew distant due to some circumstances, complicated ones involving my girlfriend and her, because all of us used to be really close. I mean, they're still close but I am out of the picture.
I can't really tell anyone what I truly feel, not because I think nobody ever really cared, but because I know that fact myself. We do care to some extent but there's just so much stress you can put towards everyone else until they stopped caring.
I think I have a problem with myself, and I am writing this story; acting as a public diary because I cannot keep things to myself either. I am very expressive and I suffocate easily if I keep things to myself and I'll have panic attacks if I keep on doing that. Or maybe I am just weak, unable to process things by myself.
I have been called a lot of things. Manipulative, insensitive, liar, annoying piece of shit, a disgrace, and the worst part of it all, is that I have never been called something that I don't already know and agree with.
I kept thinking about her reply. She told me she felt uncomfortable being close friends with me because I have a girlfriend, and I understand. I get that. I told her that I understood, and I blocked her.
Because that's what everyone would've liked, right? It's a win-win situation. She can go off and be happy, my girlfriend won't have to worry or become jealous, and I would move on eventually.
But the problem is, I don't want to.
As much of a hypocrite I am, she was one of the most important people in my life that I couldn't live without, and I'll say that again and again. And everyone can convince me otherwise, and I know my stubborn ass won't ever agree.
Friendships are a lifelong commitment to me. As long as you're breathing, I'll be with you for the rest of it. Because I am done losing, and I want to win. I wanna win this. I want to live a life where I don't leave anyone out anymore, because I did it once before and I am not gonna do it again.
So let it be told here, that even if you don't consider me as anyone anymore, you're still my best friend.
And nothing can come between that promise I made with myself.
