You wanna know one of the things that hurt me in a daily basis?
The fact that I play a part in the problem as much as those who hurt me did. All of these friendships broken, relationships failed, emotions ruined. I really would wish that I did practically little to nothing; so I can hate them purely without somehow reflecting on what I've done in spite.
Revenge. Some people use revenge as a medium to express their hatred but I only wish that I never did anything in return. So I can keep hating. So I can continue being ignorant about them. So I can continue to leave, without feeling like I did something wrong. Without feeling like I didn't do enough to fix things.
Instead, even if I choose to hate them, I end up hating myself even more. Even if I choose to forgive them, I hate myself much, much more. Every single day, it consumes me.
To love and to forgive, or to hate and to blame?
I know that it serves me no purpose to have wishful thinking like this. What if this? What if that? Right? I have a different perspective about this; the more I involve myself in this, perhaps, if I continue to try to better myself, I will be more wary than ever in getting attached to people.
But I hate them. I hate them with my every being, the feeling churns my stomach like I haven't ate for decades. And I think it's amazing that I recently don't destroy everything I touch when hatred encapsulates my every being. Which could only mean one thing.
My hatred is no longer all over the place. It is now in the palm of my hands.
