I feel the same way every single time someone that I care about, leaves. My hands would go limp, my face flustering, my head spinning, my mind's all over the place, and I can think of nothing else but the things I should do in order to get them back.
Most of the time, I'll do irrational and stupid things to do that. And I'll regret, and they'll end up leaving anyway.
I think sadness is a part of me that I can never erase. And as I progress through life, I am starting to think that it's a part of everyone. And we live, despite of it. Because of it.
I know, I am a sucker for pain. I am not rational, never was, and I am very emotional. I was reminded by someone in the past of that, and I am not proud of that fact. To top it all off, I am impulsive, so I'd rush in without thinking when I am about to lose something.
My bad.
I just got back from work, it's 3.00 a.m. and I am thinking about how I was when I still had them.
I talk big game about me improving and becoming better day by day, but I just can't help but think how I am just lying to myself and everyone around me.
I am not doing better, everyone. I am becoming worse and worse, day by day.
Am I dying? Some part of me wants to, but I have responsibilities to tend to.
If I die, who's gonna take care of Alisha? Her nose keeps bleeding, and she's still a small kid. She's a bright kid, she's gonna need someone to pay for her university fees. How about Hafiz? He's gonna need his brother to help him when he's down, when he's in deep shit. If I am not there for them, who's gonna be there? And who's gonna take care of my mom when she's old and it's time for her to invade Europe?
I can't count on anyone else, especially about my family. So I can't die.
But why is life so damn painful?
Why can't I count on the smallest blessings, and why can't they stay?
Why can't my best friend stay?
But again, people are gonna see me as an asshole for wanting her to stay. Who the fuck cares? I am not living your life, I am living my life. I need my friends, and it's not subjected to bullshit regulations of not being able to have friends when I am in a relationship.
I am not asking for them to talk to me every single day, to ask me about my day or to even be there when I talk to them. I just need them to be there.
To let me know that I am not alone going through this.
Athena, she's a blessing that I'll never forget to count. She was there, and we made a vow to be there for each other through everything. But war generals don't always fight in the same battlefield. Most of the time, she'll struggle with her own battles and me, with mine. But in the end of everything, we'll win together.
This story is never about our relationship. We're doing good, and I love her with all of my life.
But this story is about my battles, and some of it...should not become hers.
