I was always proud of the fact that I can never get addicted to any form of intoxicants. I can smoke 10 cigarettes in one day, get drunk over vodka in parties and stuff like that and I'd never get addicted. I never tried drugs, and I don't think I will nor I should, anyway.
Smoking was never an addiction to me. It's a form of mourning; a symbol of what I could have had, smoking with my dad if he's still alive and with my foundation friends if I am still pursuing law. A symbol of recognizing my past and accepting my current self.
But life is stupid. Instead, I got addicted to you.
5 years. I wrote your name everywhere, on my palm, my e-mails, jotted down your name in notebooks, think about you and your pretty smile every single day without getting bored. Crazy how I can have control over my mind and my body about what to get addicted to.
But I have no control over getting addicted to you.
I should cherish that ability to swoon over someone. I have the capacity to love and commit to someone, and maybe it's not depleted just because you don't want me anymore. Maybe that capacity was always there for me, that I am a person capable of loving someone even long after they're gone from my life. And it wouldn't make me less of a person just because I love you still.
It makes me human, and it makes me a very strong and loving human.
I should be proud of myself. I should accept that not everyone can love as much as I can. And I just might finally turn that love towards you, inwardly. Towards myself, and the person I could be.
Things will be okay. Because it's me.
