We'll meet again-phan

15- Phils Pov

Suicide mention, read with care
I hummed as I walked back home, I was in a much happier and healthier place now. I knew it probably wasn't going to last long. I looked up at the sky, the blue clashed beautifully with the white clouds and golden sun. In my humble opinion, it's a good day to be alive. I sighed as I opened the front door and called 'hello' to see if anyone was home. No answer, I guess it's quite nice being home alone. I walk into the kitchen, seeing an empty place. It looks as if I'm definitely home alone. I put the keys and flowers down, going into the bathroom and seeing our cabinet was open. I curiously opened it more and saw our medical kit open. I took it out, looking through it and seeing the medical knife was missing. I drop the kit knowing what it means and run around the house, shouting for Dan. I finally forced our bedroom door open and saw Dan lying on the bed in a dark room, staring blankly at the ceiling. I sighed with relief and sat on the bed, stroking his cheek "Dan?" He hums in response and I lifted up the knife sadly "darling, you've got to tell me when you get an depressive episode" he says nothing, I get up and throw open the curtains seeing him flinch at the sudden light. I got back to him, lying next to him opening my arms for him. He numbly lay on my chest and I wrapped my arms around him silently "when did it start?" I ordered him, knowing if I wasn't firm he wouldn't answer. He sighed "last week" my heart ached silently, last week? And he didn't tell me? I get up, helping him "c'mon bear, let's get you a shower and food and some antidepressants. Then we can cuddle" I had to forcefully pull him up as he wouldn't move and undress him. I of course didn't mind, he needed my help and it's not like I'm not used to it. He was really depressed when we were dating and I helped him a lot back then while also dealing with my anxiety. I got undressed myself and helped him into the shower, washing him lovingly. I kept kissing him, paying attention to his face "tell me about your day, did you miss me?" He nodded, making me smile. I got something out of him at least. I poured some shampoo onto my hand and ran my fingers through his curls having to stand on my toes up to reach him "want a song?" He nodded as I thought of something to sing "any requests?" He shook his head, it's no surprise he's being mute. Dan doesn't usually speak when depressed unless I force him, which I don't like doing so I don't often and over time I've learnt what he means. I started singing a muse song, one of Dan and mines favourite. I continued singing as I washed my husband, examining his perfect body. Once the shower was finished and I got Dan nice and dry I took him to the kitchen, wrapping him in a blanket and sitting him at the breakfast bar "oh! I brought these for you, I know you don't like sunflowers but it's all they had!" I bit my lip, a nervous habit. I usually did it when I'm nervous about something particularly when I buy Dan something and I pray he likes it. He picks up the bouquet and smiles at them, then me. That means he likes them. I make Dan some food, looking over my shoulder every 5 minutes to check on him. I curse at myself as I rush to get his medicine, passing him the antidepressant and ordering him to take them as he usually doesn't "shit I'm an idiot" I look up hearing someone's home and smile seeing it's Jocie "hey Joce!" She beams at me but her smile fades when she sees Dan "is dad ok?" I nod, looking over to him smiling and mouthing 'another depressive episode'. She nodded, knowing what I meant and told me she was going out with her friends she just came home to get changed

Once she left and Dan's food was ready, I sat down next to him and fed him sweetly. I roll up his sleeves gasping at how many fresh cuts he has "goddamn Daniel" I run to get plasters and cream, coming back and throwing off his blanket and unbuttoning his shirt to get to the cuts better. I held back my tears when I saw he not only cut his arm but his entire chest. I sighed as I applied cream and plasters to his cuts "don't bother, I'm scaring you" i furrowed my eyebrows at him, staring at him seriously "of course I'm going to fucking bother, you need to tell me this stuff especially if it'll scare me" I kept on applying the cream and plasters to his many cuts, while helping him eat with my other hand "it's my job as your husband but I also want to help you" after 20 minutes I finished, using up the entire tube of cream and tub of plasters. I placed them down, keeping his shirt off and feeding him before the food goes cold. He helps me and is there for me, I help him and will always be there for him "you don't have to do this" I kissed his shoulder tenderly, staring at him with sad, glassy eyes "I want to, I love you" my voice cracked which was a sign that I was getting overemotional. I promised myself I wouldn't cry, why me? I manage to hold back tears. I washed the dishes, proud of myself for getting him to eat everything and helped him to the couch, covering both of us in blankets and cuddling him protectively. I start getting flashbacks to when I first experienced Dan depressed, how scared I was that he'd hurt himself or worse. Me thinking it's a terrible nightmare that I need to awake from. I remember doing a shit ton of research on depression so I could help him. I don't know what I'd do if I lost him. I close my eyes trying to get those nasty memories away, without success. I remember staying up all night with him, the amount of times I got home just in time and had to struggle with him to stop whatever he was doing, I'd finally win and he'd fall into my arms crying. But I'd do it again, it'd stay up all night with him. I'd fight with him to stop him hurting himself. I'd let myself go through that pain because I'd be saving the man I love, the man id go to the moon and back for. The man I treasure and has a special place in my heart, the man I'd do anything for because he's my entire world. I look over and see a sleeping Dan, he's going to be ok I know it