Mania +All American+

Chapter 21: Grieving

(A/N. I love you all so much.)

It's been two weeks. I quit eating. I quit socializing. I quit living. It hurts to much. I'm in hell. I thought I'd put this off ignore my feelings.

But it's hard to ignore feelings when they completely consume you. They are the only thing you have an your drowning in them.

At first I tried to find things that made me happy. But after three days I have up because nothing that made me happy is consummating for loosing my son.

"Baby. You need to come out of your room," my mom said from the door.

I stayed silent. I no longer die. I hide my bipolar pills to avoid taking them. They make me feel numb to my emotions, and I owe it to martin to grieve his death.

He didnt deserve to die. But I made the stupid decision and he paid the price.

"Heres your medicine," she said and put it on my dresser where shes been putting pills for the last two weeks.

None have been taken. The worst part is I dont know if these emotions are me or my condition. And what if there not mine. What if without being bipolar I dont give a fuck that my child's dead. That thought fucking scares me.

I hid the pill and stared at the ceiling. Spencer came in a few hours later and sat at the edge of my bed reading my favorite book. Hes done this every days since Martin died. I appreciate it, but I wish he'd just leave me alone.

I finally fell asleep that night and woke up the next day with energy. A little bit of joy. I left my room for the first time since I came home from the hospital.

"Hey Jade. I'll make you some toast," grace said trying to scare me back to my room.

"Thank you," I whispered slipping into my seat.

Breakfast was awkward and quiet. No one wanted to say the wrong thing. No one wanted to send me back to my room, because If i went back i might never come back out.

I went to Beverly that day. I went to Jordan's house and was drinking vodka when he came down.

"Is that a smart idea?" He asked me.

"I'm out of the house," I told him and took another swallow.

"And while I'm happy about that let's put the alcohol down," jordan suggested.

"I'm fine. I have felt better today then I have in the past month. Let's just celebrate that!" I told him taking another swig.

Jordan just watched me with concern on his face. Other then my brothers he came by the most to visit me. He took care of my hair the best he could, because he knows I don't take care of it when I'm hurting. JJ came alot aswell, but sat in silence.

He wanted to help me, but didnt know how. Now I'm fine and he doesnt need to help me.

"I'm glad your here and your okay Jade," jordan said choosing not to fight this battle.

Not now at least. After visiting him I went over to JJ's. He was shocked to see me at his door but hugged me tightly happy I was there. Happy i was moving on. Happy i wasnt moping.

I decided that I loved him and wanted to take our relationship to the next step. Apparently JJ wasnt not feeling the same as me.

"Jade. We cant. I dont want to take advantage of you in these times," he told me.

"I'm saying yes," I told him.

"I'm not going to. Not with all the shit you've been through this past month. I dont want you to do something you regret," he told me.

"Trust me. Theres plenty I regret," I said through gritted teeth and stormed from his house.

Why is everyone treating me like a fucking broken doll. Sure I was mourning, but I'm fine now. Treat me like I'm fine.

When I got home grace was looking at me nervously.

"Spit it out," I sighed, done with today.

"The tombstone came today baby. I can go with you if youd like."

And like that I was gutted again.

"No I should go alone," I told her and left the house.

I saw my baby's tombstone and I lost it. I broke down crying and sobbing. My emotions were running wild and I sad and drunk and horny and depressed and overwhelmed and my world was going a hundred miles per hours and it wont slow down.

I just need my world to slow down! I need for the pain to stop! I need my manic highs to be normal and my manic lows to not exist. I want to die. I want to fucking die.

I drove home and went to my room. No one would be in there for a few hours. They would give me time with my thoughts alone. I grabbed a peice of paper and one and wrote hoping to get my emotions out this way.

But it didnt slow down my brain. I just need my mind to quit racing. And there was only one thing I could do to get it to slow down. I ran my bath water and grabbed my razor braking it to get out the blade.

People that I love keep dying around me. At least this time, the person who dies wont be someone I love.

"I just need for everything to be silent!" I mumbled and with one fatal cut I got my silence.

JJ'S POV

"Spencer what's wrong?" I asked hearing him sobbing.

"Shes gone. Jade, we found her in her bathtub, her wrist were slit. Shes dead." He sobbed on the line.

I dropped the phone and grabbed my keys. I sped to Crenshaw and saw ambulances and other first responders around her house. The lights and sounds all meshed together and my gaze was focused on trying to find Jade. Just to hear this was a really awful prank but that shes okay.

Instead Spencer handed me a letter. His hands were shaking and he was sobbing. Darned sitting on the porch staring directly ahead. With shaking hands I opened her letter.

Dear JJ.

This is isnt your fault or anyone else's. Its mine. I chose to do this. To end my life. We all saw this coming didnt we. I'm crazy and crazy at some point has to die. But I'm sorry. I do love you JJ. You were so good to me. But this is my only option. My last option. My head is to loud and I need for things to be quiet. I am sorry again JJ.

With love. Jade.

"I was another option," was the only thing I could say.

(A/N  I know this may seem sudden, and it was. But that's how suicide is. Its sudden and gut wrenching to the people who love you. Sadly, there are thousands like jade who dont get their fairytale ending. If you are one of my readers and you are suicidal please reach out to someone you love or trust. You deserve to be here. I love all of you so much and thank you for the support.)