Mania +All American+

Chapter 8: Spiralling

(A/N. Comment you're favorite sad song.)

"I dont know what to do," zan said to me.

"I'm fine."

"You havent been out of bed in four days. You quit eating," zan said, fear lacing his words.

"I'm fine."

"Please say anything else Jade," he begged.

"I'm fine."

Im not fine. Shawn's funeral is tonight and I havent left his bed in four days. Zan forces me to eat so I dont die, but I wish hed let me. I dont want to do this anymore. I dont want to be here anymore.

"I'll be back," he said leaving my room.

An hour later I heard the door open and a familiar voice.

"Hey, Jade," JJ said sitting next to me.

"Hi," I croaked.

"You havent been at school," he said softly messing with my hair.

"I'm fine," I told him.

"You dont have to be fine," JJ told me,"you lost someone you loved."

I stayed silent. I wanted to do more, respond more. But I felt like I couldn't.

"I need a drink," was all I said.

Zan handed me a water bottle.

"Something stronger," I told them.

"That isnt a good idea," Zan told me.

I forced myself to stand up. I felt instantly weak and knew I should lay back down. But I didnt. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a beer.

"Jade, Zans right," JJ went to grab it but I downed it quickly.

"This is the only way I'm getting through this funeral," I snapped at them.

I grabbed a second beer. Zan grabbed an egg and threw it at me causing me to drop the bottle causing it to shatter. He grabbed the last beer bottle and poured it down the drain.

"What the fuck is your problem. You want to do it too!" I yelled at Zan, JJ watched silently.

If he didnt already think I was too much to handle he surely did now. I wished I cared more but all I wanted was to drink and to die.

"Jade, this is the bipolar talking," zan said grabbing my arm.

"Bipolar?" JJ asked and my eyes widened.

I ran to the room and slammed the door shut. Now he knows. What if he tells everyone at the school and I become the school freak! My god zan cant keep a damn secret.

"Jade. Open the door. I don't care," JJ said but I wouldnt open the door.

I was rocking myself back and forth while crying. It honestly felt like everything around me was crashing down and I couldnt stop it. I miss feeling high and on top of the world.

I miss feeling like I wanted to live.

Time Skip - Shawn's funeral

I put on a black dress and my converse and forced myself to go to his funeral. I was in the front row staring at his body. His dead body. It just took three gunshots and he was gone.

His moms eyes are bloodshot from the crying shes done. Mayas are too. She was sitting in my lap crying into my chest and all I could do was stare. Patience sang a beautiful song to honor him making coop and his mom cry even harder.

I wish my body felt like crying, because i feel like I'm disrespecting him by not crying. But i cant force my body to let any tears fall. I'm just staring numbly with no emotions washing over me.

After the service was over I didnt move. I didnt feel like I could. I had been Spiralling quickly for a week now and my suicidal thoughts went from whispers to screams.

"Want revenge?" Tyrone asked putting a gun in my hand.

"I'm no killer," I said handing the fun back.

"You had no issue dating one," he said.

"I'm not shawn," I responded.

"Your lose Jade James. I woulda protected you," he told me.

"Until I wanted out," I said dead staring him.

"You don't know what you think you know," he said slowly.

"Your right. I ain't no nothing," I told Tyrone,"unless anything happens to Zan. Then maybe the trauma will cause some faint ideas to come to the surface."

"Ain't nothing happening to that boy," he told me.

"Then I ain't know nothing," I told him standing up.

"I'd suggest you keep it that way, little girl," tyrone yelled after me.

Once I walked out I saw Jordan waiting for me. I got in his car and saw some beer in the cup holder.

"You and me cope the same way," he said and i picked up the beer.

"Thank you jordan," I whispered sipping it.

We got to his house and drank an entire bottle of vodka. Once we ran out of alcohol we started to smoke weed. The problem was getting high didnt quiet my voices only made them louder.

I ran to the bathroom to cut so hopefully it would shut the voices up. Then they started to scream louder and louder and louder.

Kill yourself. No one fucking wants you here. Your mom gave you up. Grace loves Spencer more then you. You are a bad influence and everyone you love dies.

Kill yourself before someone you love dies.

"Shut up!" I screamed,"please just shut up!"

"Jade. Open up! Jade are you okay?" Jordan yelled pounding on the door.

End it. End it bitch. Just one cut.

"Please, no," I whispered to myself.

"Jade please. I called spencer and JJ. They know how to help. Just let me in!" Jordan begged.

End it. Kill yourself. Make it easier on anyone. No one wants you.

"I'm sorry," I whispered and broke the razor to grab the blade.

"Jade. Dont do anything stupid!" Jordan begged me.

"Goodbye, jordan," I whispered and I cut deep.

Then the blood started gushing quickly and I started to panic. What the fuck did I just do.

"No! No! Fuck!" I screamed and go to put pressure on it.

But it wasnt stopping. The blood was coming quick and dripping on the floor. I was getting dizzy and couldnt get it to stop.

"Jade. Open the door!" I managed to unlock the door before I finally blacked out.