Distanced

Part 2: In Which Max Struggles With Space

"Why didn't you tell me?" I know why. I know why she didn't tell me about Cassian and her.

Because I've lied and hid things I shouldn't have.

"I didn't know I had too."

"Uh...no...Of course you don't. I just thought you'd want too cause..."

"Oh, like you tell me everything?" Her attitude is on point. "There's not a single secret between us?"

The lioness is ready for the hunt and I'm an injured gazelle.

She said it didn't have to be awkward between us- yet she's tenser than I am.

"Ha...I knew it."

"What? You don't know what I was gonna say."

"You were seeing someone last year."

The way she says it is so...cold and painful. Jealous almost. Her eyes seer into my skin and I feel my chest become heavier. How did she know?

Why didn't she say something to me?

"Yeah... How'd you know?"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Because I didn't want to hurt you.

Because I didn't want you to hate me.

Because I felt guilty about being with someone because they were easier.

Because...

"I didn't tell anyone."

"Why?"

"Because...be...it was fragile and I wanted to protect..." Your heart and your feelings. You- Helen. I wanted to protect the one thing that matters most to me.

"Protect what?" Can I tell her?

"Excuse me."

***

Helping an older woman to the ED, I feel weighted. These passed few months have been difficult to navigate around. Cassian Shin resigned and moved to Hawaii- stating everything that the Dam is, was only temporary for him.

Helen.

Helen was temporary?

That asshole.

He fucked with her heart.

He hurt her.

I know- though we don't talk about it.

We don't talk about much any more. I had to find out through Iggy that she was having her niece Mina stay with her. She didn't even tell me. Didn't let me meet her.

Not that she has to do any of that.

I figured that was the reason she decided to step down as my deputy- which sucks terribly because I miss her.

I miss her.

She's right here in the hospital every day- and yet I feel so lost and alone and I miss my best friend.

I'm beginning to think that my life would be better off if I never asked Helen about the whole Castro thing- despite already knowing. I shouldn't have forced her hand into telling me because what the fuck was I expecting to happen? I couldn't speak to her about it. I couldn't do anything about.

I could have.

But what kind of person would I be to sleep with a woman that morning and turn around and confess to another how I feel about them?