Distanced

Part 20: In Which Max Fails Again

Am I dumb?

Am I deaf?

Am I blind?

What the fuck is happening in my life right now?!

I thought I fixed this. I thought I made things better after we left my house, but half way through sitting with Maxie- she asks me a fairly...uncomfortable question, and when I go to give her my answer- she flips out, gets mad and has me escorted out of the building.

So I waited a good two hours in the car in the parking lot. Yet I knew Helen wasn't going to come out any time soon- so I left for home- just to sit in the living room tapping my foot- waiting to go back and give her a ride.

I went back and called her- but she didn't answer. So I went home again thinking maybe she got an Uber.

Which she didn't.

So I called again and she still didn't answer or call me back.

My gracious mother got snippy with me about hurting Helen- which frankly- I don't know what I did, but apparently it was important.

My mother was tired of me pacing the floor so she called and left a message. Next thing I know- her phone is going off and she took it in the bathroom to talk to her.

Wouldn't even let me listen.

Didn't let me talk to her.

The only thing she told me was that she talked to Helen and she was fine, but not coming home tonight.

That pissed me off.

Where the Hell is she staying? What is she gonna wear to bed? Her coat and those sweatpants?! That jacket is hardly warm enough for her near completely naked top. Let alone appropriate!

I continue to pace the floor and I just know that this isn't right. I shouldn't be here worrying or waiting or sleeping!

I should be trying to talk to her.

I should be trying to make this better because frankly- I only want her.

"Max- you need to get some sleep." My mother says as she steps into the living room.

"How can I sleep when Helen isn't here?"

"Simple. Go upstairs and lay down."

"Mom, I just want to talk to her. I just want to make sure she's okay and safe.  I'm failing- I get that, but I just can't step back."

"Max, can I tell you something?" She comes over and sits on the couch and taps it for me to sit with her. "Sometimes when women have babies- they have those crazy hormones that mess with not only their emotions, but can make them think irrational thoughts. It's not always depressive. When I had you and Luna, I would go through these moments where I just felt like I wasn't in control- of my thoughts, my actions, my emotions. It lasted a good two weeks until it got better. There was one point I told your father I never wanted to see him again and it wasn't over anything major or life changing. It was something really stupid- but in my mind it meant so much. I'm not saying Helen is crazy or depressed or anything out of the normal- but she is still going through changes that you may never understand.  She has thoughts that feel real and make her think certain ways and when the world isn't in line following those orders- it's hard for her to make sense of it all in a logical and rational way."

"Then why was she mad tonight? Why is she so upset?" She turns slightly and takes my hands in hers.

"Max, you are a very sweet and very caring man. And the way you care for Helen and Maxie is endearing and heartwarming. Tonight you said you aren't Maxie's Dad. It's true. You aren't. He didn't come from you- he really has no connection to you. But you love him."