Distanced

Part 13: In Which Helen Becomes A Mum

Well...

That was...

That was fun.

Not really.

That was the scariest thing I've ever experienced in my life. I thought...I was certain- I lost him.

And then Max showed up.

He showed up and he helped me deliver him.

But he didn't cry.

He was early. He was only at 35 weeks. Tiny little tot. I was just so scared and worried.

When they got me in the rig- I just wanted to hold him. I wanted to see if he was in fact okay. Then I saw how pale Max looked. How frozen he was. I knew he didn't want to get in the rig. I know he was having a panic attack- but he somehow managed to get in anyway. He was there physically- but not mentally. The second he got in that ambulance- he was gone. I could see it. The fear. The memory. The pain. He could hardly talk to his father on the phone. I called to him. I told him he would be okay. I told Audrey what the matter was and how he needed to just get out of the ambulance and he'd be fine. So once his parents showed with Luna- his father got him in his truck and he and an EMT drove to the hospital as I went in the Rig.

I was scared too.

I was nervous being in there again without him.

Laying in the hospital bed, I hold Baby boy to my chest as he eats. He's so tiny. About 16 inches long and about 5 lbs.

He felt bigger than that.

I don't think my twat will ever be the same after that.

I hurt all over.

I honestly feel like he tore me open- but the doctor said that because of Max's help- I didn't tear a thing.

Surprisingly.

It still fucking hurt though.

What am I gonna name him?

I still haven't come up with anything.

I thought I had one more month to pick a name.

"Knock knock?" Looking up, I find Olivia standing in the doorway with a soft smile and a blue party bag and a balloon that says 'It's A Boy'.

"Hi...Mrs Goodwin. I know you probably don't remember, I'm..."

"Helen Sharpe. Dr. Helen Sharpe. I know- I know all about you." Shit.

Max probably cursed my name while here. And mother's don't like women who break their baby boy's heart.

If anyone breaks my baby boy's heart- they won't be breathing for very much longer.

"Oh...probably nothing good..." I say low in my throat with an apologetic smile.

"Actually- all he could do was praise you."

That makes it worse. Mothers don't like when their baby boys hearts are fond of other women.

"That's quite the surprise." I look down at my boy and wonder how it is Max is so sweet and so forgiving always.

"I don't think so. I think it's always been there." She says as she steps closer. "I hope you don't mind. I couldn't help myself."

She sets the bag down on the edge of the bed and baby boy unlatched and just looks up at me with a yawn and then a smile.

"Oh he is precious." She gazes longingly at my baby and takes a deep breath before a sigh.

"Would...would you like to hold him?"