Distanced

Part 11: In Which Helen's Five Months Were Hellish

At first, I thought Max would be gone a few weeks. But those weeks quickly turned into months.

After Sandra Full- not from billing- in formed me and the whole staff not to reach out to Max: I felt like I was sinking deeper and deeper into this pit of pain and depression.

I forced myself to keep busy.

I tried doing things the way Max had.

Off the wall cockamamie bullshit type things that somehow work out in the end.

Only they didn't.

None of my plans worked.

The second and third months grew tiring really quick. Staff was becoming irate because Max was still not back yet. No matter how many times I reassured them it would be okay- they just became more aggravated.

The second and third month of my pregnancy while Max was gone- was amazing.

Smooth as silk- despite the constant need to go to the bathroom and the morning sickness that has stuck around since the first few months. But Valerie has stated at every visit that the baby is looking healthy and that I shouldn't be worried about anything.

I've been stuck thinking of names though.

The fourth month Max was gone was better surprisingly. I got through to the staff and patrons that going forward- we were going to be a United front until Max comes back.

I will say, being MD has really given me time to step back and think about mine and baby boy's future.

Like do I really want to continue being an oncologist in a hospital or do I want to step back a bit and work in a private practice- so my hours aren't too hectic?

I will be the only parent.

I'll be doing it all by myself.

But isn't that what I was prepared for before Cassian got me pregnant.

When it was just me trying IVF- I knew I would be doing it alone- because what sane man looks at a pregnant woman or one with a baby and says 'Yep! I want to be apart of that. I don't care if it's mine or not. I want to take care of you and your baby!'?

No man will ever say that.

The beginning of the fifth month of Max's sabbatical and the eighth month in my pregnancy: has been...less than ideal.

Everything is ten times harder to do when you have 30 odd pounds strapped to your front. I can't see my feet, my back hurts, my hormones are all over the place and though I love the feel of him- I do wish Baby Boy wouldn't kick me when I try to sleep at night. He's quite the mover I must say.

Constantly.

The second I sit down to relax at my desk or at home- he is doing the two step right across my bladder. Sometimes I can even see his foot- which I made Lauren take a picture of.

But he is already showing signs of being a trouble maker.

Every time I have a sonogram- the little stinker is I. One position or another making it hard for Valerie to get a good look to see if he's doing okay.

We tried 3-d the one time and the only thing we could get a look at perfectly was his butt. He would hide his face with his hands or be in a difficult position to get a picture.

He is such a Max.

I feel like Max was that way as a fetus. I should really ask his mum- because Max has to constantly move and so does my son.