walking chaos

001

Before my mother passed, she always said me and my father were exactly alike. I didn't believe it at first.

But now, standing here staring down my father, I knew what my mother had meant. His eyes were swirling with a familiar anger that I had felt since I was young and after my mother passed, my rage had only got worse. My father has always been, somewhat, composed but after her death he became overwhelmed in emotion.

When we fought, it was like two ocean waves colliding. Both filled with equal ferocity and both slamming hard against the weight of the other.

"I thought you were done with this fighting Desponia." He growled out as he paced the room, "You promised me it was over, do you even remember?"

"Dad, I was ju-"

"No, don't do that. Don't make excuses." He raised a finger to point at me, "This is exactly like last time. The police calling me in the middle of the night and you coming home covered in blood. I won't have this behaviour again, its unacceptable. You have to learn-"

"Just let me expl-"

"No, Desponia. No," He sighed, "I won't let you talk your way out of this. I told you, you had one shot to change. The police said they have witnesses who claim you just went up to him and started beating him. It wasn't self defence. There's no excuse for this kind of behaviour."

My fists were clenched so hard that blood was being drawn on my palms in crescent moons as I tried to keep my anger in check, I was already riled and not being able to explain myself was only making this so much worse.

As my father continued rambling about how my behaviour wasn't going to be tolerated, I heard a small creak from the staircase. I shifted my gaze to see Ophelia, eyes wide at the blood on my hands and frowning. She ran at me, effectively shutting dad up as his youngest, and preferred, daughter entered the room.

The little eleven year old engulfed me in a hug which I returned. I leaned down and whispered in her ear, "It's okay princess, go back upstairs, I'll come find you when this is over."

Tears welled in her eyes and I knew how much this must've reminded her of the aftermath of our mother's death. The arguments were consistent back then, loud and unwavering.

She gave a nod and scurried away quickly, ignoring our father's heated gaze.

"Will you at least hear me out?"

He paused his pacing and then muttered "I don't want you corrupting Ophelia anymore than you already have. You're leaving tomorrow."

"What? You're not even going to let me explain? You're just gonna send me away like some kind of-"

"An old friend of mine runs a boarding school, you'll leave tomorrow." With that, he turned to leave but not before muttering the words that have stung since they left his mouth, "Your mother would be disappointed in who you've become." He left the room shaking his head, unaware of the way his words left me trembling.

When he was out of sight, I punched the wall.

The asshole didn't even trust his daughter might have a good reason. He didn't even hear me out. Why am I surprised?

I took a deep breath, unclenched my jaw and stretched out my clenched fists. My palms were scarred with crescent moon shapes and my knuckles were still painted in red. "Fuck you." I muttered over and over again as I rested my forehead against the cool surface of the wall.

Eventually, once I had calmed down, I started climbing the stairs to Ophelia's room.

"O?" I called into the darkness.

She sat up instantly, running at me again for another hug as I switched on the light, "Des, are you okay?"

"I will be princess." I gave a soft smile and guided her over to her bed where I took a seat with her in my lap, "Look, I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow. Dads pretty upset and he might send me away for a while."

She frowned straight away, her eyes welling with unshed tears, "He can't do that, right? I wont let him take you away. This is all my fault." She started sobbing into my shoulder.

"Hey, no, this is not your fault Ophelia, don't you dare blame yourself." I rubbed my hand up and down her back.

"It's going to be okay, I promise." I kissed the top of her head as I heard her sniffle into my shoulder "And if he does send me away, which he might not," I paused, "But if he does and if you need me, just ring me and I'll find my way back to you. I love you, O. I promise everything's gonna be okay."

"How long will you be gone for?" Her voice wavered.

Truthfully I had no idea, it could be a year or it could be three, I don't know what kind of school this is. "Not long, not if I can help it."

"And you'll visit?"

"I'll try my best princess."

"And you wont forget about me?"

"Never, I could never forget about you."

"I'll miss you." She whispered.

"I'll miss you more." I pushed her shoulder back looked into her little blue eyes, "I need you to promise me Ophelia, if you're ever in trouble, if you ever need someone to speak to, if you need help with anything, you call me, okay? What happened tonight doesn't change that. This isn't your fault."

"Okay."

"Good, now get to bed, you need your beauty sleep." I gave a soft smile which she returned.

After tucking her into bed and lying beside her until I was sure she was sleeping, I left her room and crept to mine where I began cleaning the blood from my knuckles. The mirror taunted me with my messy brown hair, hollow brown eyes and my blood splattered face. The scar that ran across my left jaw was noticeable in this light and I couldn't help but frown.

That was the only reminder left of the fight where I almost lost my life.

It was true that I had promised my father I would stop fighting, I had done a pretty damn good job at avoiding situations that usually lead to that. But I had also promised Ophelia that I would protect her. And keeping a promise to Ophelia means more to me than keeping one to my father. He has broken plenty of promises to me in his lifetime.

I couldn't help but pace around my room that night. My thoughts whirling. Would he really send me away?

I didn't doubt it. But if he did, what would happen to Ophelia? She's too young to deal with his long work hours and shitty mood swings.

Eventually I collapsed into bed and waited for sleep to take me away from my reality. I wouldn't be getting any answers tonight.

A/N
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