I have two different eyes, two different sides of me. Sometimes I even am two different people. I have the version I want to be. The happy version or so I joke. I would never say she's perfect because she isn't. I would never want her to be. I want her to be better, in every aspect. She doesn't need to be prettier or smarter, well the last would be good though. She should do better and be the version you would want to see. I often try to impersonate her even though I can't be her all the time. I know I don't have to, but she is the part of that I like the most. She laughs at her own jokes, she dances or sings all the time, she takes risk in order to have fun, she hangs out with friends, she constantly flirts and she's the spontaneous one. People love her. And why wouldn't they.
And then there's the other me. She's entirely different. She's broken and in constant pain. She wants to be in her room all day, snuggled in her hoodie forgetting that an outside worlds exists. She is the one who mostly is living the normal live. Most people know her, and kinda don't at the same time. There are a few who seen a bit more of her, or at least they heard a bit more of her. She's shy, she's been through so much, she is living her fears on a daily, she fails, she doesn't smile and when she does it's the ones where her eyes don't sparkle.
Two versions of me. Sometimes I don't know where one begins and the other ends. They're constantly trying to control certain situations. They're not fighting neither deciding when which is in control. They have their time and they use it correctly. There is nothing wrong with that. They do a great job keeping me sane.
But when I look in the mirror I see my body and the version in my head. Right now I am the version which I'm not happy with. With every look that I look in the mirror I'm becoming more unhappier. And not because I get a bigger body or something with every glance I take. No I see what I was, what I am in my mind and my body is telling a different story. My body screams failure. There was a time where I didn't appreciate what I had. And now I'm trapped in a body which doesn't match my mindset. You see in my mind I am this beautiful young woman with a hard past who still has more obstacles coming and a lot to fight for. And my body tells me that I couldn't hold a diet and gained pounds on the wrong places, it tells me I lost a battle to laziness and someone who treated me bad.
I'm trying to accept both because it's a part of me. No that's wrong. It's what I am. You see it's still a bit complicated. I'm trying to accept myself while others don't. They always pick a side. And it's ok. But one part of me always has failed...
