I thought today was a perfect day. I laughed, danced, ate really good, felt loved and appreciated. I felt good in my body even though I had my issues with some parts. But it's alright not to feel totally comfortable. I'm just a human.
So on this perfect day I scroll through social media, chat with my friends, laugh a bit more and then...
My phone blinks I got a message. I open the app and see who send me a text. It's him. My hands begin to shake and my breathing becomes uneven. It's not what you told me that gets me all uncomfortable. It's the fact that you had the audacity to write me. Like you had the audacity to call me several times after I called you out.
I remember the first time you crossed the line in a friendly game. "It's just a game" Yes but it also invaded my privacy. You used me. I was your toy.
I never was your friend. I was your therapist, your doll and your bandaid.
Now when I look back I can't believe how dumb I was. But I wasn't. I understood your pain and most of the decisions you made because we shared trauma. Even to this day I will never understand how you could treat me so bad. I recall you telling me that everything you touched or had in your life turned into something bad. Well in my case I chose to be your friend and to be there for you. But in the end it was your decision to mistreat me in a way I could not imagine. When you told me what happened to you I thought you could never be like that. How could someone actively choose to be like their mistreater?
But it's not just your messages or calls. No. Just a sniff of your perfume or more your smell and my fight or flight activates. So I had several Panik attacks just because someone looked like you or had a voice like yours. I'm getting better. But your name and face still throw me off. As much as I heal you will be a constant reminder of a time in my life were I was treated bad, sexualised and used.
