You say I should live my life, like back then. But it isn't as easy as it seems...
"Once you were happier"
Yes, there was a time I was. But that time sadly isn't now. And today isn't then, as much I want it to be.
How can I be as joyful as back then, especially when I'm not scared anymore!?
How can I be like back then when I now know how the comforting thought of dead feels like
Back then?
Well back then I didn't know it any better...
My view on the world was different. I still had a naïve view through rose coloured glasses. The view of a child. I wasn't so innocent even as a young girl but I still had my hope that kept me going.
Right now I'm with my friends trying my best staying happy. Fitting into the group becoming one with the vibe.
I try to keep my mood, while they tell me how annoying their parents.
It's moment's like this that make me wanna scream:
"oh shut up! They're just trying to parent you and love you."
But instead I play the good friend with a smile or comfort them in a other way because I know they need it. Probably more than me. I've always been a people pleaser so it shouldn't be that hard...
Again I'm sitting at home feeling like I don't belong at all.
Its this strange feeling of not belonging into your body as if the person you once were died already.
It's the people pleaser in me trying to keep an imagine.
The image of the person I was.
And still I try to find out who I am right now...
But they keep telling me I should be like I used to be in the past.
Why don't they understand that I'm dead? The girl they once knew is dead.
Deep down I'm hollow and broken
No they will sadly never understand me...
Everyone I know wants me to forget it. To get over it. The past is in the past.
The Moto is to just keep to going on.
At the end everytime when I look in the mirror I see a girl.
A girl in whose eyes a fire once burned in. She was powerful and strong in her own way. I see how she is now struggling to breath properly because her chest was once crushed. Who would've thought someone could do that to someone else. So now I see the scars that she wears since her childhood
I also can see the scars she did to herself to feel alive again. All these scars will live with her in her entire life. Sure they will fade eventually. But even if something faded it would always be there.
How can I be like in the past when there's only the memory of the pain back then
What does one get if they be like their old self when they clearly aren't themselves anymore?
Why keep pushing something so unhealthy on someone just because it looked better. Why not see also the bad and the ugly and help?
"Through sickness and health" that's a sentence I fear. Not because of the commitment. But because of the counterpart not trying to push through. I'm still young so this sentence will not come in my close future but it still haunts me. Day to day I wonder if I ever learn to live with the scars properly. If people will accept me the way I am. How they made me into what I am.
But at the end of the day I'm alone.
The only people who will never leave and accept me is myself. I can never run away from myself. That is the privilege I cannot have even if tried.
And this Realisation. This truth. Is the most painful scar I will ever endure....
