Fiction is a dangerous thing. See if your kinda normal you imagine cute dates or stuff like that before you go to sleep. The point is you use it to escape reality. Am I right? That's what we all crave after a hard or boring day. We crave for a bit of peace, love or adventure. Whatever our vice is. In my case I'm reading fanfic at 3am like a thirteen year old in 2014. Normally it gives me peace and comfort. But not today. I'm reading a fanfic that actually hurts me.
At this point in my life I begin to believe that I started to crave it too. The pain, the chaos my theorie is that I don't believe in me being happy so I always wait for it to be destroyed or take matters in my own hand. The fanfic I'm reading right now the y/n character is basically me in many many ways. If you ever read fanfics before you know there's a certain point where the main characters break up over something stupid. Well I've reached that pointed and now I'm crying since 6 chapters and counting straight. Yes. 6 chapters and counting if I have to count the time too I would say I'm crying since 1.56 am and now it's 3am (and counting). I feel pathetic. Normal people don't cry through the night just because of fiction. All I've read since the first chapter made me realize I'm a hopeless idiot in romantic related stuff which involve myself. I definitely have more daddy issues and issues in general then I've considered. I overanalyzed my past relationships just to come to the analysis of me being alone till I die. The problem is I really have the thought of things going wrong stuck in my head. So like I said I either wait for it to be destroyed or destroy it myself. Kind of like a clean cut. Well, I probably hurt people I dearly love a lot because of it.
Hell... I even hurt myself. Let alone me reading that fiction and crying trough the night. It's funny how I crave something else with the destruction that's all around me. I crave being safe. I crave being near somebody I may love. But I'm still to proud to let myself say it out loud. You see it could end up in me getting hurt. But not saying it also hurts me.
So what do I do? I run to fiction. I cling to fiction in many ways. Through reading it, imaging scenarios and watching it in movies. It's a temporary fix. Really it helps for a designated time and after that I come back to self torture. Let alone writing about my misery. Talking to anyone about this? No. Never! This is safer. At least in my head it is. See fiction. I use it on a daily. I'm sure it's one of my coping mechanisms which kind of work when needed. Considering my current state, well. It sometimes works great and sometimes works shit.
