Musings

8(a). Rage.

** The point of view is Alessia's, when it starts.**

00:00
Alessia wrote.
____________________________
Reality told me:
"You were gullible.
Be more careful.
I wouldn't want anything to happen to you.
Trust less.
Care less.
Bond less.
Bonds make you weak -
Hesitant to let go.
I will always be there.
Even when anyone else isn't."

When I chose to come to you, he laughed in my face.
He said:
"Foolish girl.
You still haven't learnt.
Go then, if you must.

Hope then, if you must.
Care then, if you must.
Trust then, if you must.

Do everything you want to,
If that's what will convince you
That I am all that you have.
You can go anywhere in the world, but you'll come crashing right back into me.

Because I am all there is to you."

He didn't reject me, he set me free.
Free to come to you,
Free to test my strength,
Free to get hurt.

Free to hope,
Free to care,
Free to trust.

My soul sighed when she saw you.
She knew,
I knew
And we think you knew too.

But maybe we were delusional.

Maybe we just wanted to feel loved.
Maybe we just imagined everything.
Maybe we just expected a miracle after all that pain.

Maybe we didn't know.
Maybe you knew.

Whatever the case was,
We never will know.
We lost that possibility on that day -
That day that you pushed me away.

Reality smiled a sad smile.
He caressed my cheek.
He said nothing.
He asked for nothing,
Except acceptance.
______________________________

My demons come out to play.
They torment me.
They laugh at me,
At how pathetic I am.

I can't even stand up to myself.
I can't even stick to my decisions.
Because my decisions are irrelevant.
I'm pathetic.

One sneers; "You're depending on a man. Even you wouldn't have stooped so low."

I whimper.

Another cackles; "Oh, love. Yes. That emotion. Do you honestly think anyone would love you?"

I shrink.

Again; "Delusional little bitch. Even your friends find you pathetic. Valerie especially. She doesn't care."

A tear slips out of my eye.
"Not Valerie. Never Valerie. She wouldn't use me. She would care. She CARES.", I silently scream.
(Wouldn't want your parents to wake up when you're having a nice little talk with your bestie Paranoia and her minions now, would you?)

"Yes, dearest. Go, play with that boy. Invest yourself in a person once again. Nothing will go wrong this time, I'm sure."

"You're not helping, Paranoia. Go away.", I groan.

She smirks. She pretends to look mortified - "And leave you on your own? Like all your other friends? To think about Betrayal and Love and the like? Where's the fun in that?"

Times like this, I think of how much better it would have been if all these abstracts were actually people - you could hit them in the face and they'd shut up. It's easier to deal with them if you consider them people. Or souls.
Right now, they're having a sick party in my head. Enjoying all the attention.

Especially since I cannot tune out the pounding in my head (as cliche as it sounds), seeing as I have angered my demons by planning to take a foolish risk.

"Yes. You're being stupid. So we're trying to put some sense into you. Don't you see? We care. We can't see you ruined again. We can't break with you again. We will not have it.", says Paranoia.

"Look. I'm trying. I don't want to block him out. I think he actually might care. I will not get too attached. I will be wary. But I will care. He's worth the pain. I think."

"Nothing is worth the pain. Anything that deserves you will fight for you. And if they don't want you, they will not try. How much ever they feel a pull towards you. If they don't want to care, they will pretend that they don't till the feeling passes. Because that's what they feel is right. So it doesn't matter that what you're planning is right. Be real Alessia. Stop the unicorns and rainbows. They're deluding you."

I gasp.

"Reality", I say, in disbelief.

**hehehehe. Yes. I know. Cliffhanger much. But you love me okay. So wait till tomorrow.**