Musings

11. Irrational.

00:00
Alessia was reading.
Just an old piece of writing.

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There are some things in life we all have to accept.

Some are harder than the others because of personal beliefs, past experiences or just a feeling.

Sometimes I think I am capable of accepting everything in life, but then there are things that the past changes about you.

Love is a feeling that I feel is long gone.
But there are times when I feel it lurking in the shadows, waiting to come back and hurt me again.

Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to accept the fact that I may have a thing for a certain someone.

I think that if things had happened in a different way had he and I not happened, things might have been easier, but after you've been left by a guy that you felt was everything that ever could have mattered, things change.

You become wary. Even scared of letting yourself off guard and getting close to someone else.

It is not fair, to me and this certain someone that my emotions are not in order and neither is my brain.

But I will find a way to decide if I really do care like that or it is just a random thought to help me out of the depression that is the memories of happy times, few that they were, with him.

Life waits for no one and it is time to move on.

Have you ever wondered how it would be like to be carefree and happy?

I feel I have achieved that feeling and am now happy and free of the bonds that were the memories of him and I.

It is fascinating the way that life and the beautiful people around you have always been there but you have been too caught up in its illusions to notice.
I feel like I am awake again and that giving in to this again would be like losing that wakefulness and joy.

But then again, it was I who said to a certain someone that if it was meant to be, it wouldn't have been sad. And if you don't try, you will never find out.

So maybe I will take the plunge.
Maybe I will stay ashore on "safer" waters.

Only time and my ever changing thoughts will tell.
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She was becoming something weird.

She realized this was the actual her that people never really saw and she never really knew.

But he saw and he knew.

He saw right through the muck and grime of depression, the walls she's put up and her supposed fury.

He saw her.
And it seemed like he didn't mind.

He didn't mind the crazy-happy person who made silly jokes and laughed the loudest.
He didn't mind the scared, insecure person who scowled whenever someone new approached her.
He, in fact, seemed to care for her.

She didn't know she could be this happy.

Reality and Nature were waltzing around and giving her a thumbs-up.

She laughed.

It began as humorless. At herself and the weakness of her walls.
It grew to a laugh of abandon. A laugh celebrating her and her new found acceptance.