Musings

13. Awakening.

I grow accustomed to ignoring my feelings for Aaron.

There isn't any point.

He refuses to hope.
He refuses to care.
He refuses to trust.

Or maybe he just doesn't.
And I'm a delusional little bitch.
That's probably it.

I don't know.

He is as fleeting as the teasing drizzle in the summer - soothing, but not quenching.

I shall be happy living in my big, empty house which won't quite be empty because Valerie will hopefully still be there and will be as obstinate as ever and probably move in, and the fact that we shall have lots of cats.

And, of course, Clement and Ruth will keep visiting.

Maybe even George, if he sticks around long enough.

I'm not even sure about what I'll be doing.
I do know I'll be the best at it though.

My love for reading has reached a new extreme.
I'm recognized as the girl who always has a book in hand - something, anything, just to keep my mind from wandering.

I do, however, have one thing to look forward to with the excitement of a little girl imagining happy things; I have managed to convince my mum to let me spray paint my room walls in the holidays.

I'm building my fortifications.
I'm preparing for life in its actuality.
I'm sharpening my swords for the battle that is survival.

Because I like a fight.

But then I don't.

I wish we could all just sit down and talk to each other and understand reasons and people and behavior.
I wish we could all just accept differences and personalities.
I wish we could all just be.
In all our entirety.
Sans judgement.

But I don't know myself well.

Sometimes I want to hit someone so hard that they beg for my mercy.
After those times I hold my head in my hands and think about what an idiot I am.

And after that I put on my skin.
Which I don't even recognize anymore.
It is marked.
It is uneven.
Battle scars.
Warrior.

~ ~ ~

20:00

Sometimes, I like to burst into a soliloquy when I'm out of doors, in the balcony or out in the lawns....

I whisper to myself.

Maybe eyes a little moist. Maybe mouth in a smirk or just sad.

Maybe eyes sparkling. Maybe mouth in an uncontrollable smile.

Today,

_____________________________
A swirling vortex.

Of illusions and believability,
Of unicorns and rainbows,
(Because hey, I'm not all that sad either.)
Of stress and busting,
(This is getting ridiculous)
Of friends and hormones,
(The friend's hormones)
Of getting back into old rhythms,
Of being frustrated.

So today I sit here.
In this crazy ass lawn.

I snigger.

Such profoundness.
I never cease to amaze myself.

And I sit and I talk to myself,
In this crazy ass lawn.

I smile.

And I begin to wonder,
If I've been an idiot.

For irrationally hoping.
For irrationally caring.
For irrationally trusting.

So much time has passed.
So much has changed.

Only I am an unfortunate constant in my life.

Reality raises an eyebrow.
Nature giggles.

Okay who am I kidding?

I laugh.

I love being alive.
I love being with my friends.
My friends are the constant in my life.
They mean so much.

It wasn't about finding light through a person.
It was about finding another.

Finding a warrior.

Who could watch my back.
Who could help me treat my wounds.
Who could stop me and yell at me every time I tried to burn my world to the ground because of my fury.

Who needed me to watch him.
Who needed me to fight his battles with him.
Who was both a teacher and a student.

It, after all, takes one to know one.
____________________________

And now,
As I smile at the stars in the sky,

I think I finally know.

That I don't need to stress too much about love.
That when someone loves you, you give them time.

I have named him wrong. He can't be my Aaron. He showed me the light, yes, but I brought it to myself.

I am Alessia. I don't need another to bring me anything.

I am a warrior. I fight. For everything I want in my life, I have fought.

So he shall have to fight me if he truly cares for me.

Fight my strength.
Fight my walls, now fortified.

He shall be Alex, if he wants to gain my trust.

I shall be his undoing.

I smile - Warriors.

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And so begins the tale of the girl you haven't truly met, but have practically become acquainted with. Please read the long, musing filled authors' note after this chapter.
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