Musings

1. She.

She was very normal. In her head. She believed that there was a Happiness that everyone got, everyone deserved. She wanted to be accepted. She wanted to be cared for. She wanted to be appreciated.

But with time, this became her weakness. She refused to accept herself because she thought she was wrong. Absolutely and completely wrong. She hated herself, in a way, for the same things she used to define herself with. She found it idiotic to hope. She felt she was pathetic. For caring. For hoping. For wanting to be accepted. Because acceptance was difficult. From herself and her peers. She was afraid of losing herself in a frenzy of happiness. A moment of weakness because of momentary happiness. That's all it would take to make a chink in her armor. She'd be vulnerable. So she tried as best she could to keep away.

The only issue was that she was an inherently happy person, which caused her to constantly be at war with herself. She wished she could be normal, but then she realized, who truly was?

And so she pondered. She analyzed. She got hurt. She still cared. She hated caring. She loved with a passion. She wished for indifference but loved her fury. She was a vortex, an amalgamation of contradictions. She was both the calm and the storm. She created. She destroyed. But she didn't hurt anyone but herself. She never affected those around her as much as she was affected by them.

She thought she was messed up.