Can't Help but Love Him

Absence Part 2

     I went home that night, and apologized to Aurora for being late to dinner. Ellie was glad I'd returned, so we could look at the stars together. We always looked at the stars on Fridays, it was the clearest night of the week.

     Everything seemed to be coated in a fuzzy filter, like what I saw was already a distant memory. It proved that my brain was as ready as my heart was. What I was going to do might've just been for him, but it was bigger than Axel. 

     My entire life, I had lied. I had lied about being happy as a child, then lied about these past years with Aurora. The only time it wasn't fake, was when I was with him. I couldn't live on like this, I knew I wouldn't change. I'd continue to live this lie, blending in with how society wanted me to.

     So, I proved that I was going to change. I told Aurora I was going to visit his grave in New York, and that I'd be home in a few days. Ellie wanted to come with me, but I of course refused. 

     They both saw me off, driving me to the airport. When I turned around to hug them for the last time, they seemed to shine like in a picture. They both were extremely beautiful, intelligent and kind creatures. Even if I had regretted my life, I'm glad I'd spent it with them.

     "Ellie, let's get pancakes when I come back okay? I'll miss you when I'm gone." I said, kissing her forehead. She giggled, wrapping her hands around my neck.

     "Bye Papa. I'll miss you too." She says. 

     I then hug Aurora, squeezing her around the waist. "Thanks. For everything you did to bring me here."

     "Oh, um sure! Have a good trip my love, and make sure to brush your teeth." She smiled, kissing my cheek.

     I turned into the airport, looking once back at them. They made everyone else look exceptionally plain, standing out like two goddesses in a sea of filthy humans. They were perfect, I would never change my mind on that.

     The flight went by in a blur, and I remembered the days I used to chase Axel across the world like this. He never stayed in one place. But now, he would stay in one place forever. Never moving. The though of him dying alone is what made me sad the most, the fact that he quietly left the world without me or anyone really knowing.

     I was almost positive his father's company was the one who had taken down Mary's post. They didn't want the successor to the company to be seen as a 'failure', when they really had no idea how strong he had been.

     More importantly, I didn't even know Axel had been born in New York. I didn't know a lot about him. I knew he had been sent to London solely for the purpose of going to our old school, but I had never thought of him as a true American.

     It was late when I arrived, around seven. It was cold, and even though it was September, flakes of snow began to fall from the sky. I hadn't packed warm enough, but I really only wanted to see him and then leave. I wasn't here for sight seeing.

     I had rented a car despite my short stay, and headed to the Evergreens Cemetery Mary had told me about. It was pretty, it had statues at the entrance. I slowly drove down the path, looking at the rows of graves. His name was in the A's, so it was fairly close to the start.

     I thought I had prepared myself, but tears began to flood my eyes when I saw his name. It was silent crying, like the kind you do at night when you don't want anyone to hear you. 

     I had to revisit this pain, this drowning feeling in my chest. I stayed in my car for about an hour, quietly crying. 

     "I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to go alone. You didn't deserve this, you never deserved any of this. I should've stayed, at your house I should've stayed and faced your father I'm so sorry." I sobbed, clutching the steering wheel.

     My vision blurred, and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stand this pain, it backed up my thoughts. 

     After a while, I opened the car door to get closer to his grave. 

Axel Kenny Johnson 1994 - 2021

-I always loved you. offer me biscuits in the afterlife.

     "I'm guessing it was recent, then? Your tears look fresh." A woman said, crouching down behind me.

     I was jumped, startled by her sudden appearance. Upon closer examining, it seemed like I had been with her before. She didn't exactly look familiar, but I had felt her presence before. 

     "I'm Annie, by the way. Sorry to barge into your moment like that." She said, standing back up.

     "Anne... Annemarie?" I guessed. Her eyes widen, and she examined my face. "Um wait, do I know you, sir?" 

     "Oh, I suppose you don't remember. You were really young, but I saw you on an airplane once. I think you were going to visit your... um, your...."

     "No way, you're that old man I met? I'm surprised I remember you, I guess you made a good impression. But a cemetery isn't the best place to run into someone, you know." She said, looking at the gravestone. "Who was it?"

     "His name was Axel. He was who I was visiting the day we met. I was in love with him." I said, staring hard at his name set in stone.

     "Oh, the pretty boy you showed me?" She chuckled, sitting back down next to me. "Did you marry him?"

     The tears returned to my face as she spoke, but I was careful to wipe them away before she saw. "No, I didn't."

     "Can I give you some advice, from one gay person with a dead partner to the other? Don't run from these emotions, Jason. Surround yourself in them, live with them. I truly believe that it gets better." She murmured.

     I laughed at our similar situation, but she looked at most nineteen. There was no way she had messed up her life as bad as I did.

     "Is there a reason you're saying this to me?" I ask. 

     "You look like you'd decided something. That's why I came over, actually. It seemed like this was the last thing you needed to do." She said. "I mean, you were such a chaser before, you literally crossed to world to see him right?" She was good at this, it almost swayed me. 

      "Er, I'm sorry. I probably overstepped a lot of boundaries there. Just be strong, okay?" She says, patting me on the shoulder.

     She got up to leave, and I felt her presence disappear as she continued to walk down the road.

     I looked up at the sky, and thought about my family back at home. I would miss them, they would miss me. I would probably go back to London tomorrow, even though they thought I was coming back in a few days. 

     As much as I wanted to believe Annie, I wasn't going to live in a world where he wasn't. 

     I smiled back down at his grave, wiping the tears on my face. "I'll see you soon, okay?"