Everything I Do, I Do For You

Chapter 5

It took nearly the rest of the evening for Belinda to find an equally quiet place. When she finally found her new haven. She nearly considered hiding out in the bathroom before she found an alcove in a wall just perfect for hiding away. Pulling out her journal, Belinda tried to pick up where she left off.

If I had it my way... If I had it my way... The words plagued her. What had she meant to have said. Belinda starred off the incomplete phrase and started a new paragraph.

I met a Scotsman today, much more crude than my dear uncle Michael or dearest cousin John who is no more than nine years old. He couldn't seem to take the obvious cues I made about having no intentions to marry. How can a man be so unaware? Nevertheless I will not dedicate any more of this journal to Lord Kellan Butler, or any other man who approaches me this season. This journal is meant for my own personal reflections.

Sometimes I wonder if life would be easier for me if I had been born a male. I do believe that I have what it takes to take over fathers estate, and no one would bat an eye at remaining unmarried. Surely there would be pressure for me to sire a male heir, but I would still have David to pick up the pace for me. Heaven knows that he thinks about girls more and more with each day he is off at University. University, that would be a benefit of being born a son too. Well, in all the time that a now unnamed gentleman took away from me by finding my first secret spot, I must conclude writing for this evening as the clock chimes one. I do hope tomorrow will be better, as it will grant me the opportunity to see my sisters and dearest grandmother again.

Write again soon, your dearest Belinda Bassett.

With that signal from time itself, Belinda closed her diary and made her way back to find her mother and father. If she snuck in from just the right angle, she could possibly convince them that she had been with someone, so she made each step thoughtfully as she retraced her steps. Upon arriving in the great hall again, she scurried next to a group of young women, and lingered just long enough for her parents to hopefully see.

She saw Kellan Butler first, seemingly chumming it up with Bitty Carterbank. Oh Bitty Carterbank, Belinda thought to herself. She had known Bitty nearly all her life, and felt bad for whatever gentleman ended up with her. Bitty was dumb, and Belinda had no qualms in thinking it. Piety seemed to be her sister Caroline's best trait, while Belinda's seemed to be her bluntness. Sure Bitty was sweet, but Belinda had been surprised to meet someone who lacked so much common sense.

"There you are mother" Belinda put on the act of just coming from a lively conversation as she approached her parents, "I was just making conversation with some of the other ladies."

"Oh yes, which ones?" her mother asked, seeing through her daughter's excuse.

"Oh well, a bunch of them of course" Belinda couldn't come up with any names.

It wasn't that she enjoyed lying to her mother. Belinda had always had such a close relationship with her. She had been the first person to realize her mother was expecting her baby brother nearly four years ago. And besides Caroline, Belinda felt closest to her. In Belinda's mind, this was just a temporary rough patch, that would return to normal once the season was over.

"Belinda, darling, don't ever play cards, you're an awful liar." her mother said with a smile. "I just do wish you'd try at least once to be social."

"I talked to one man tonight." Belinda answered, "A Scotsman"

"And I suppose you were your natural cheery self?" her father interrupted the conversation.

"Within reason." Belinda fumbled over her words.

"Your mother is right, you know. You must try at least a little bit. Otherwise no one will talk to you even after the season is over."

"I don't see that as much of a problem," Belinda shrugged off her father's comment, "Besides you'll have to still put up with me... We're related"

Belinda had fallen asleep on the ride home. It had always been a habit of hers, the natural rocking of carriage could always have her out in a matter of minutes. When she was younger, she always had the privilege of being carried in and placed directly in her bed. Now, surely too old and too big to be carried in, she would have to shake herself awake and stumble her way up to her bedroom. The only issue with her current situation was that once up in her bedroom, she found it almost impossible to fall back asleep.

Belinda lay in bed awake. She tried to imagine herself married. She pictured herself in Caroline or Amelia's place. Milling about, caring for children, running a household. It felt wrong. Sure, she knew her sisters were happy in their lives, but she just knew she couldn't be happy in that kind of life.

Belinda yawned, "Only six or so months. How hard can it be?" closing her eyes and pulling her quilt nearly to her nose, Belinda Bassett fell asleep dreaming of the liberations that would come from spinsterhood.